A young shelf stacker from the Perth suburbs is met at the Australia Day fireworks by a university sociology professor who specialises in the phonetics of the English language. The professor teases her about her ambition to be sociably acceptable given her accent and coarse language. He suggests an experiment. Over 9 months she is intensively taught to speak Cultivated Australian English and behave like a socialite. She is exhibited and tested at the Melbourne Cup Lunch at the Royal Perth Yacht Club.
Based on Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw (1913)
Adapted by Tim McGrath (2020)
Cast
Eliza Doolittle (bogan) | : | Helen Peerless
Professor Henry Higgins (sociology professor) | : | Stephen McVey
Doctor Pickering (friend and conscience of Higgins) | : | Peter Hocking
Alfred Doolittle (philosophical father of Eliza) | : | Ron Potiphar
Mrs. Pearce (Henry’s assistant at the university) | : | Isabelle McGrath
Mrs. Higgins (mother of Henry) | : | Fiona McVey
Mrs. Fortescue (snobby mother) | : | Annie Taylor
Clara Fortescue (snooty daughter) | : | Duncan McGrath
Nigel Fortescue (soppy romantic admirer of Eliza) | : | Isabelle McGrath
Bystander | : | Fiona McVey
Sarcastic Bystander | : | Ron Potiphar
A young shelf stacker from the Perth suburbs is met at the Australia Day fireworks by a university sociology professor who specialises in the phonetics of the English language. The professor teases her about her ambition to be sociably acceptable given her accent and coarse language. He suggests an experiment. Over 9 months she is intensively taught to speak Cultivated Australian English and behave like a socialite. She is exhibited and tested at the Melbourne Cup Lunch at the Royal Perth Yacht Club.
Based on Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw (1913)
Adapted by Tim McGrath (2020)
Cast
Eliza Doolittle (bogan) | : | Helen Peerless
Professor Henry Higgins (sociology professor) | : | Stephen McVey
Doctor Pickering (friend and conscience of Higgins) | : | Peter Hocking
Alfred Doolittle (philosophical father of Eliza) | : | Ron Potiphar
Mrs. Pearce (Henry’s assistant at the university) | : | Isabelle McGrath
Mrs. Higgins (mother of Henry) | : | Fiona McVey
Mrs. Fortescue (snobby mother) | : | Annie Taylor
Clara Fortescue (snooty daughter) | : | Duncan McGrath
Nigel Fortescue (soppy romantic admirer of Eliza) | : | Isabelle McGrath
Bystander | : | Fiona McVey
Sarcastic Bystander | : | Ron Potiphar
Act II
Next day at 11 a.m. Higgins' office at the University.
[cabinet door opens, statutes are shuffled, door closes]
HIGGINS. And finally Doctor, I must just show you my Galatea. She is the finest of all my terracotta figurines. Here, what do you think of her?
PICKERING. She really is quite beautiful. You know Henry, I have never seen such fine examples of Greek miniature sculptures in a private collection.
HIGGINS. [distracted to himself] The sculptor wished for a bride who would be "the living likeness of my marble girl." And when he returned home, he kissed the statue, and found that its lips felt warm…[startled awake] Sorry! I get a bit carried away sometimes…[pause] Now back to work Doctor! Shall we practice some more diphthongs?
PICKERING Oh… No… No, thank you. Not now. I'm quite done in for this morning.
HIGGINS. Tired of listening to phonemes?
PICKERING. Yes. I find some on them a bit of a strain. I was rather pleased with myself because I could pronounce twenty-four distinct vowel sounds. But your hundred and thirty beats me. And, to be honest I can't hear the difference between most of them.
HIGGINS. [chuckling] Oh, that comes with practice. You hear no difference at first; but you keep on listening, and presently you find they're all as different as A from B.
[Mrs. Pearce comes in]
HIGGINS. What's the matter Mrs Pearce?
MRS. PEARCE [hesitating, evidently perplexed] A young woman wants to see you, Professor.
HIGGINS. A young woman! I don’t have any students booked today. What does she want?
MRS. PEARCE. Well, I don’t think she is a student. She says you'll be glad to see her when you know what she's come about. I should warn you she's quite coarse and dressed quite inappropriately as well. I probably should have sent her away, but then I thought perhaps you wanted her voice for your research. You see some very odd people sometimes‚ so I’m never sure.
HIGGINS. Oh, that's all right, Mrs. Pearce. Has she an interesting accent?
MRS. PEARCE. Oh, quite shocking. I don't understand why you take such an interest in this type of vulgarity.
HIGGINS. Sounds intriguing. Show her in, Mrs. Pearce
MRS. PEARCE [only half resigned to it] Alright, Professor. It's up to you.
[Mrs Pearce goes out].
HIGGINS. What a stroke of luck. I can show you how I take notes. We'll get her talking and I'll takes notes on what she says. First in Bell's visible Speech, then in broad Romic. I’ll also record her so that we can compare sounds against the written transcript.
MRS. PEARCE [outside the room] The Professor will see you know. Come with me.
[Door opens and Mrs. Pearce is followed by Eliza]
HIGGINS. [dissapointed] Why, this is the girl I heard last night. She's no use, no use at all. I've got all the records I want of Balga, and I'm not going to waste time on her. [to Eliza] Off you go! I don't want you.
ELIZA. Oi, steady on mate. I suggest you don't go givin’ me the flick until you’ve heard what I come for.
MRS. PEARCE. I’m terribly sorry about this Professor. Please Miss… come with me.
ELIZA. [To Mrs. Pearce][threateningly] You right there darlin’?
MRS. PEARCE. [firmly] Be careful my girl! We’ll have a little less of that attitude. Just what do you think a respected academic like Professor Higgins would want with the likes of you?
ELIZA. Oooo ayy, stuck-up like Lady Muck aren’t ya! I’m guessing he isn’t above giving lessons, is he. Heard him say so last night. [to Higgins] Listen mate, I’ve not hiked half way across town just to blow smoke up yer arse. But if you reckon me money's not good enough for yer, I’ll just go elsewhere.
HIGGINS. Good enough for what?
ELIZA. Good enough for you. Don’t come the raw prawn with me? I've come to have talking lessons. An’ I can pay for ‘em. I’m not shittin’ you.
HIGGINS. [dumbfounded] Well!!! [recovering his breath with a gasp] What do you expect me to say to that?
ELIZA. Well, if you were legit, you’d ask me to sit down. Can I make it any clearer? I'm throwing a bit of business your way.
HIGGINS. Doctor Pickering, shall we ask this creature to sit down or [aggressively] should we just throw her out now?
ELIZA. [wounded and whimpering] Oi! I won't be called a creature … ‘specially after I'm offering yer hard cash.
PICKERING [gently] So what is it you actually want, young lady?
ELIZA. [desperately] I just wanna have a better life. Not to be always scraping round on the bones of me arse. I wanna get a decent job ‘stead of stacking shelves in Coles. But there’s Buckley’s chance of that – the way I talk now. Nobody’s gunna give me a break unless I speak more proper. Bugalugs here says he can teach me that shit. Well, here I am, ready to pay him and he can’t blow me off quick enough.
MRS. PEARCE. Honestly girl! What makes you think you could afford the services of Professor Higgins?
ELIZA. Pull yer head in missus! I know what the going rate is. And I'm cashed up.
HIGGINS. [tersely] How much?
ELIZA. [coming back to him, triumphant] Ha! Now we’re talking! Thought you'd come round once you saw a chance of getting back a bit of what you chucked at me last night. [Confidentially] Admit it, you were a bit maggoted when you were flashing the cash, weren't you?
HIGGINS. [peremptorily] Sit down.
ELIZA. Orright. Don’t go spittin’ the dummy.
HIGGINS. [thundering at her] Sit down.
MRS. PEARCE [severely] Sit down, girl. Do as you're told.
ELIZA. [half rebellious, half bewildered] Aaaw‚ shi…‚ uh‚ feck…‚ you…!
PICKERING [very courteous] Please, miss. Won't you sit down?
ELIZA. [coyly] Don't mind if I do.
HIGGINS. Well that’s a start at least. Now, what is your name?
ELIZA. Liza, err…. Eliza Doolittle.
HIGGINS. [chanting] Eliza, Elizabeth, Betsy and Bess. They went to the woods to get a birds nes':
PICKERING. They found a nest with four eggs in it:
HIGGINS. They took one apiece, and left three in it.
[They laugh heartily at their own wit.]
ELIZA. Jeez, what a pair of dorks. You taking the piss or what?
MRS. PEARCE. Really. You mustn't speak to the Professor like that.
ELIZA. Well, he won't give me fair go.
HIGGINS. Alright then let’s get down to business. How much do you propose to pay me for your lessons?
ELIZA. Oh, I’ve been boning up on it. A bloke I know gets French lessons from a real garlic muncher for fifteen bucks an hour. Well, you wouldn't have balls to ask the same for teaching me my own language, so I’m only willing to come at ten. Take it or leave it.
[Higgins walks up and down the room and rattles his keys and his cash in his pockets]
HIGGINS. You know, Pickering, if you consider ten dollars, not as ten, but as a percentage of this girl's income, it works out as fully equivalent to nearly a thousand from a millionaire.
PICKERING. How so?
HIGGINS. Figure it out. Let’s say a millionaire earns about a five thousand a day. She earns about fifty.
ELIZA. [concerned] Hey??!? Who told you that...?
HIGGINS. [continuing] She offers me one-fifth of a day's income for one lesson. One-fifth of a millionaire's income for a day would be a thousand. That's quite an amount. In fact, it's enormous! Probably the biggest offer I’ve ever had.
ELIZA. [rising, terrified] A grand! What are you going on about? I never offered you a grand. Where would I get…
HIGGINS. Shut up.
ELIZA. [weeping] But I ain’t got a thousand bucks. Aaaaw!
MRS. PEARCE. Don't cry, you silly girl. Sit back down. Nobody is going to take your money.
HIGGINS. Somebody may be going to take you though, straight outside if you don't stop squeeling. Sit down.
ELIZA. [obeying slowly] Aaaw‚ What the feck! Yer not me Dad yer know.
HIGGINS. Listen. If I decide to teach you, I'll be worse than two fathers to you. Here. Stop snivelling and use my handkerchief!
ELIZA. What for?
HIGGINS. To wipe your nose. To wipe any part of your face that feels moist. Remember, this is a handkerchief, and that's your sleeve. Don't mistake the one for the other.
MRS. PEARCE. It's no use talking to her like that, Professor. She doesn't understand. Besides, you're quite wrong, it’s better to use a tissue. Here take one of mine.
ELIZA. [defensively] No ta, I’m keeping the hankie. He give it me.
PICKERING [laughing] He did so. Therefore I think it must be regarded as her property now, Mrs. Pearce.
MRS. PEARCE [resigning herself] Serves you right, Professor.
PICKERING. Higgins: I have just had an intriguing idea. You were telling me about the fun you have teasing those pretentious snobs at the Yacht Club. I would say you're the greatest teacher alive if you can train Miss Doolittle here to fool that crowd. In fact, I'll pay for the lessons and cover any other expenses if you take on the challenge.
ELIZA. Oh, you are real gent. Ta, Doc.
HIGGINS. [tempted, looking at her] It's almost irresistible. She is so deliciously low‚ so horribly bogan.
ELIZA. [protesting extremely] Aaaaw‚ you‚ sh, stuff yooou!!! Why do you keep on rubbishing me? I ain’t trash. Look! I dressed up special to come here I did.
PICKERING. You're certainly not going to win her over with that sort of flattery, Higgins.
MRS. PEARCE [uneasy] Oh, I’d be careful before you say that Doctor. There is more than one way to turn a girl's head, and nobody can do it better than the Professor. Although he doesn’t often realize he’s doing it. Please, don’t encourage him to do anything unwise.
HIGGINS. [becoming excited as the idea grows on him] What is life but a series of inspired errors? The trick is to find them. You should never lose a chance to make a mistake, they don't come every day. Yes, Pickering, I accept your challenge. Like a fine Japanese oyster, I will make a pearl out of this piece of grit.
ELIZA. [strongly deprecating this view of her] Oi‚ eh? Wah‚ wah? Eh? But.
HIGGINS. [carrying on] Yes. Give me say… nine months‚ six if she has a good ear and a quick tongue. After you’ll be able to take her anywhere and pass her off as anyone. Yes, what an excellent idea of mine! Let’s start today. Now! This moment! [calls out] Mrs. Pearce, take her away and get her some decent clothes… something less charity bin. That shouldn’t be too hard.
MRS. PEARCE [protesting]. But…
HIGGINS. [storming on] You may as well burn her old clothes and while you’re at it try and scrape off some of that horrific makeup.
ELIZA. Hold ya horses! Whatcha goin’ on about? Who’d ya think I am? …shazza? I know what men like you are. I’m a nice girl I am.
HIGGINS. Listen to me young lady! We’ll have none of your cheap Balga morality here. If you want to learn how to speak and behave like a person of culture this is how we start. [to Mrs Pearce] Mrs. Pearce, take her to the finest beauty spa in town. Get her scrubbed, manicured and coiffured. Don’t worry, Pickering will foot the bill. And don’t bring her back here until she is decent.
ELIZA. [worried] Not bloody likely! I'll call the cops if you try any of that funny stuff.
MRS. PEARCE. Professor! She has her rights. You can’t force her to do what she doesn’t want to do.
HIGGINS. Then as far as I am concerned you can send her packing now.
ELIZA. [confused and concerned] Hey? Wha…? But… You‚ that’s…‚ aaaaaw!
PICKERING. Oh, come on, Henry! be reasonable.
MRS. PEARCE. [resolutely] Yes. You must be reasonable, Professor. Really you must. You can't walk all over people like this.
HIGGINS. [with amiable surprise and professional exquisiteness of modulation] What? You think I walk over everybody! My dear Mrs. Pearce, my dear Pickering, I never had the slightest intention of walking over anyone. All I propose is that we should help this poor girl out. We must guide her, prepare and fit her for her new station in life. If I did not express myself clearly it was because I did not wish to offend her delicacy, or yours.
MRS. PEARCE [to Pickering] You see Doctor, this is what I told you about. Have you ever heard anyone manipulate the situation like that?
PICKERING [laughing heartily] Never, Mrs. Pearce, never.
HIGGINS. [patiently] What's the problem?
MRS. PEARCE. Well, the problem is, Professor, that you can't take on a project like Mis Doolittle as if you were picking up a shell off the beach.
HIGGINS. Why not?
MRS. PEARCE. Why not! Because you don't know anything about her background, her family situation. What about her parents? Maybe she has a partner?
ELIZA. [mocking] As if!
HIGGINS. There! As the girl very correctly says, “Garn”. Partner indeed! A girl like this would have two or three children in tow if she [mocking imitation of Eliza] “wuz shacked up with a fella”.
ELIZA. [plaintively] Fair enough, I’ll give you that. Who'd want a bar of me anyways?
HIGGINS. [resorting to the most thrillingly beautiful low tones in his best elocutionary style] My dear Eliza, the streets of Perth will be strewn with the bodies of men climbing over themselves for your hand when I've done with you.
MRS. PEARCE. Professor Higgins! Again, you are spinning the truth. This is simply nonsense. You must not talk to her like that and put false ideas in her head.
ELIZA. [rising and squaring herself determinedly] Yea. No worries there missus. I know bullshit when I smell it. Reckon this was a big mistake. He's as mad as cut snake, he is. Don't want no dodgy psycho teaching me nothin’. I’m outta here.
HIGGINS. [wounded] Oh, indeed! I'm mad, am I? Very well, Mrs. Pearce, you needn't bother smartening her up. Just show her the door.
ELIZA. [surprised and confused] Wait on! What makes you think you can just ditch me like a pork chop in a synagogue?
MRS. PEARCE. Now you see what comes of being pushy. This way, please.
ELIZA. [almost in tears] Aw alright that’s the way is it? Well sod it and sod you! You can keep yer posh talk if you’re goin’ to be such an arsehole. I wouldn't have worn your fancy clobber anyways. I can get me own any time I like.
HIGGINS. You are an irrational, ungrateful thing aren’t you. Your contempt is my reward for offering to take you out from the supermarket shelves, to dress you in the finest clothes, teach you to act like a lady and make you the envy of Perth society.
MRS. PEARCE. Stop it, Professor. I won't allow this. You two are as bad as each other. Now it's you who is being irrational. Please, Eliza, go home now. And tell your parents to take better care of you.
ELIZA. Ha! They don’t give a toss about me! Told me I was big enough to go my own way and turned me out.
MRS. PEARCE. But surely, your mother would….
ELIZA. [cutting her off] I ain’t got no mother. Carked it when I was a nipper. The snotty bitch that turned me out was my sixth stepmother. I’m over ’em. And I do OK by meself.
HIGGINS. There! I really don’t see what all the fuss is about. The girl doesn't belong to anybody‚ and is clearly no use to anyone else. As far I am concerned that settles it. [to Mrs. Pearce coaxing]. Mrs. Pearce, you rent out your spare room don’t you? Eliza can stay there for the duration of our experiment! Pickering will cover her rent. Anyway, having a surrogate daughter might well be good for you. [pleased with himself] Yes, that should work out nicely. There, it’s settled. Take her away, and let’s get on with it. I’ve no time to lose.
MRS. PEARCE. [stubbornly] Professor, that is not a plan. Please think it through. For a start, is she to be compensated for her time?
HIGGINS. Oh, we’ll pay her pocket-money as required. Take it out of the departmental expenses. [Impatiently] Anyway, what on earth will she do with money? We’ll provide her with accommodation, food and clothing. If we give her any more money she’ll just drink it away.
ELIZA. [turning on him] Jeez, you can be a miserable bastard can’t you?
PICKERING [in good-humoured remonstrance] I don’t suppose it has occurred to you, Higgins, that the girl has feelings?
HIGGINS. [critically] Oh no! I don't think so. Not any feelings that we need bother about. [cheerily] Have you, Eliza?
ELIZA. [indignant] I got feelings same as any of youse.
HIGGINS. [to Pickering, reflectively] You see the difficulty we are up against?
PICKERING. Eh? What difficulty?
HIGGINS. To get her to use correct grammar. The mere pronunciation is easy enough.
ELIZA. [interrupting] I don't want to talk grammar. I just want to talk proper.
MRS. PEARCE. Will you please get back to my point, Professor. I want to understand the terms the girl is being engaged under. Is she to be on staff or enrolled as a student? And what is to become of her when you've finished your experiment? You must consider the implications.
HIGGINS. [impatiently] But what's to become of her if I leave her where she is now? Tell me that, Mrs. Pearce.
MRS. PEARCE. I believe that's her business, not yours.
HIGGINS. Well when I've done with her, we can throw her back in the gutter. Then it will be her own business again. So, all is well.
ELIZA. You what?! You wanker! You really have got tickets on yourself ain’t ya [angrily]. Well, I've had a gutful of being rubbished by the likes of you!
[Higgins opens a jar of biscuits]
HIGGINS. Eliza. Won’t you have a tim-tam?
ELIZA. [tempted] How do I know you ain’t spiked ‘em? I've heard of girls who’ve come a cropper with blokes like you.
HIGGINS. Sign of good faith, Eliza. See. I am cutting it in half. I’ll eat one half you can have the other.
[Higgins cuts biscuit]
[Eliza eats the tim-tam]
HIGGINS. Stay with us Eliza and you shall have biscuits and cake every day. You’ll live on them. How about it?
[Higgins pats her on the back and Eliza nearly chokes on the biscuit]
ELIZA. [coughing and spluttering] I wouldn't have swallowed it, only I'm too polite to spit it back out.
HIGGINS. Now, Eliza. Did you say you came in a taxi?
ELIZA. Well, what if I did? I’m allowed to ain’t I?
HIGGINS. Of course. But in future you’ll be able to use my car to drive wherever you want. No more public transport. Think of that, Eliza. Your own car.
MRS. PEARCE. Professor Higgins! Now you are just tempting the girl. This isn’t right. She should be made aware of the true consequences of her decision.
HIGGINS. Consequences? At her age! Nonsense! Time enough to think of the future when you haven't any future to think of. No, Eliza, you should do what Mrs Pearce does. Think only of other people's futures, and not your own. For now, you should think only of biscuits, cakes and haute couture.
ELIZA. What’s that? I don't want anything to do with no “hot culture”! [attempt at dignity]. Nothing pervy about me. I’ve got principles I have. As I told ya, I’m a nice girl.
HIGGINS. And it shall remain so, Eliza, under the watchful eye of Mrs. Pearce. Yes, I can see your future. You’ll marry a lawyer with a beach house in Yallingup. The son of a mining magnate, who will disinherit him for marrying you, but will relent when he sees your grace, elegance and charm.
PICKERING. Excuse me, Higgins. Now I think I must intervene. Mrs. Pearce has a point. If this girl is to put herself in your hands for as long as this teaching experiment lasts, she must understand thoroughly what she's getting into. I fear you may be overselling it a bit.
HIGGINS. How can she possibly understand what this means to her? She's incapable of understanding anything. Besides, do any of us understand what we are doing? If we did, would we ever do it?
PICKERING. Very clever, Higgins, but not helpful. [To Eliza] Miss Doolittle, what do you think?
ELIZA. [overwhelmed] Aw please. Gimme a break will ya! What are youse all goin’ on about?
HIGGINS. There! That's all you get out of Eliza. “What are youse all goin’ on about?” It’s no use trying to explain anything. Surely Doctor, as an ex-colonial officer you ought to know all about that. Just give her her orders, that's all she can comprehend. Like this. [to Eliza] Now Eliza, you are to come here every day for the next nine months, and learn how to speak beautifully, like a lady. If you're polite and do what you're told, you will live very comfortably at Mrs. Pearce’s house. But if you misbehave or are rude, Mrs. Pearce will make you sleep on her verandah with the redbacks. At the end of your training you will go to a Melbourne Cup Lunch at the Royal Perth Yacht Club, dressed impeccably. If the members find out you're not high society, you will be laughed out of the room. But if you are not found out, we will give you enough money to start a new life in any career you choose. In my opinion if you refuse this offer you will be a foolish and ungrateful girl, and the angels will weep for you. [to Pickering] Now are you satisfied, Pickering? [to Mrs. Pearce] Can I put it more plainly and fairly, Mrs. Pearce?
MRS. PEARCE [exasperated] Good grief! Sometimes…. Really…. Professor, I think you'd better let me speak to the girl properly in private. I am not sure I can consent to this arrangement as it currently stands. I know you don't mean any harm. But once you get what you call “interested” in people's accents, you never think or care what may happen to them or anyone else. Eliza, please come with me.
HIGGINS. Yes. Yes. That's a wonderful idea. Thank you, Mrs. Pearce. Take her off… and tidy her up.
ELIZA. [suspiciously] You are full of it aren’t ya. Listen, I won't stay here if I don't like it. And I won't let nobody slag me off. I never asked to go to any posh lunch, did I? And I ain’t no prize in a chook raffle neither.
MRS. PEARCE. I don’t think that is what he meant Eliza. It can sometimes be hard to understand the Professor. Come with me and I will try to explain.
[Mrs. Pearce opens the door for Eliza].
ELIZA. [voice fading as she goes out] Well, just so’s you know up front, I won't go near the poxy boat club, not if I'm going to be judged for it. If I'd known what I was gettin’ in to, I would never have come here. I’ve always been a nice girl and I never axed to be part of any experiment. Don't owe the miserable bugger nothing, so tell him he can write his own bookie’s ticket! Fair crack of the whip! I have feelings, same as anyone else.
[Eliza and Mrs. Pearce leave and shut the door]
PICKERING. Excuse me asking a direct question, Henry. But are you a man of good character…[pause] where women are concerned?
HIGGINS. [moodily] Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned?
PICKERING. [surprised] Yes. Frequently.
HIGGINS. [dogmatically] Well, I haven't. I find that the moment I let a woman make friends with me, she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damned pain in the arse. And I find that the moment I let myself make friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. Women upset everything. When you let them into your life, you find that the woman is driving at one thing and you're driving at another.
PICKERING. At what, for example?
HIGGINS. [restlessly] Christ, who knows! I suppose the woman wants to live her own life and the man wants to live his. Each tries to drag the other onto the wrong track. One wants to go north and the other south. And the result is that both have to go east, though they both hate the east wind. So here I am, a confirmed old bachelor, and likely to remain so.
PICKERING [gravely] Come on, Henry! You know what I mean. If I'm to be in this business I will feel a responsibility for the girl’s welfare. I hope it's understood that no advantage is to be taken of her vulnerable situation.
HIGGINS. [confused] What! You mean? [pause] Oh! [indignant] Absolutely not, I assure you. She will be my pupil. Teaching her would be impossible if circumstances were to be compromised. I’ll have you know I've taught scores of Perth debutantes how to speak English, some of the best-looking women in town. I'm seasoned to it. They might as well be blocks of wood. I might as well be a block of wood. It's…
[Mrs. Pearce opens the door]
HIGGINS. [eagerly] Well, Mrs. Pearce, is everything all right?
MRS. PEARCE. [feeble justification] Errr, well.[pause] Eliza left her hat… Ah, there it is. [pause] Oh! … while I am here, perhaps I can have a quick word on a rather delicate matter.
HIGGINS. Yes, certainly. Is that Eliza’s hat? I did wonder what it was. Can I have a look, Mrs. Pearce? I'd like to examine it. It is somewhat of a curiosity.
MRS. PEARCE. Handle it carefully, please. I had to promise her we would look after it. Although perhaps we should let it air for a while.
[drops hat on desk]
HIGGINS. [embarrassed] Oh! Yes. I see. [pause] Now, what were you going to say to me?
PICKERING. Am I in the way?
MRS. PEARCE. Not at all, Doctor. Please stay. Professor Higgins, will you try and be very careful about what you say in front of the girl?
HIGGINS. [sternly] Of course. I'm always careful about what I say. Why do you ask?
MRS. PEARCE [unmoved] No, Professor, you're not at all careful with your language when you've mislaid something or when you get a little impatient. Now it doesn't matter in front of me, I'm used to it. But you really must not swear in front of the girl.
HIGGINS. [indignantly] Me! swear! [most emphatically] I never swear. I detest the habit. You really think that I swear? Well…. Well, I’ll be buggered.
MRS. PEARCE [stolidly] That's what I mean, Professor. You swear quite a lot. Now, I don't mind your bloody and dickhead, and arsehole and wanker…
HIGGINS. Really! Mrs. Pearce, such language from your lips!
MRS. PEARCE [not to be put off] …but there is a certain word I must ask you not to use. The girl just used it herself when she remembered she’d left her hat. It begins with the same letter as fun. She knows no better, she learnt it at her mother's knee. But she must not hear it from your lips.
HIGGINS. [loftily] I’m not sure I have ever uttered it, Mrs. Pearce. Except perhaps in a moment of extreme and justifiable excitement.
MRS. PEARCE. Only this morning you applied it to the faculty head, to the football reports in the newspaper, and to the function you have to attend this evening.
HIGGINS. Oh, that! Mere alliteration, Mrs. Pearce. Natural to a wordsmith.
MRS. PEARCE. Well whatever you choose to call it, I ask you not to let the girl hear you say it.
HIGGINS. [irritated] Oh, for fu…! [pause] Very well, very well. Is that all?
MRS. PEARCE. No, sir. We shall have to also be careful with Eliza about her personal habits.
HIGGINS. Certainly. Quite right. Most important.
MRS. PEARCE. I mean she’s not to be slovenly about her dress or be untidy and leave things lying about.
HIGGINS. [solemnly] Absolutely. I was going to draw your attention to that. [to Pickering] You see Pickering, it’s these little things that matter in social situations. The old adage, “take care of the cents and the dollars will take care of themselves” is as true of personal habits as of money.
PICKERING. [amused laugh]
MRS. PEARCE. Yes, Professor. Then I must also ask you not to come into the office wearing your old dressing gown, or at any rate not to use it as a towel to the extent you do. And if you could try not to dunk your biscuits, talk with your mouth full and remember not to put your coffee cup directly on the furniture, it would make it easier for her to understand.
HIGGINS. [embarrassed] I may do these things sometimes in absence of mind. But surely I don't do them habitually. [curious afterthought] By the way, is that why my dressing down sometimes smells of air freshener?
MRS. PEARCE. [amused] Perhaps it is, Professor. Well if you will wipe your hands…
HIGGINS. [embarrassed and annoyed] Oh very well, very well. I suppose I'll have to wipe them on my f’ing [pause], on my trousers in future.
MRS. PEARCE. I hope you're not offended.
HIGGINS. [shocked] Not at all, not at all. You're quite right, Mrs. Pearce. I shall be particularly careful before the girl. Is there anything else?
MRS. PEARCE. No Professor. That's all.
[Mrs. Pearce goes out].
HIGGINS. You know, Pickering, that woman has the most extraordinary ideas about me. Here I am, a shy, easy going bloke. I've never felt really grown-up and authoritative, like other men. And yet she's firmly persuaded that I'm an arbitrary overbearing bossy kind of person. I can't understand it.
[several hours pass, it is now late afternoon. Clock strikes 4:00pm]
[Door knock]
MRS. PEARCE. If you please, Professor, I suspect the problems are starting already. There's a man outside, an “Alfred Doolittle”, and he wants to see you. He says you have his daughter here.
PICKERING [rising] Oh my! This could be interesting.
HIGGINS. [promptly] Send the old ratbag in.
MRS. PEARCE. Oh, very well.
[Mrs. Pearce goes out].
PICKERING. You know Henry, he may not be a bad bloke.
HIGGINS. Nonsense. Of course he's a ratbag. You heard what Eliza said.
PICKERING. Whether he is or not, I'm afraid he may be trouble.
HIGGINS. [confidently] Oh no, I doubt it. And if there is any trouble it will be with me, not you. Either way we are sure to get something interesting out of him.
PICKERING. About the girl?
HIGGINS. No. I was thinking of his language.
PICKERING. Oh!
MRS. PEARCE [outside] Mr. Doolittle, you may go in now.
[door opens]
DOOLITTLE [uncertainly] Professor Higgins?
HIGGINS. Good morning. I am Higgins and this is my colleague Doctor Pickering. Please, come in and take a seat Mr Doolittle.
DOOLITTLE. It’s kind of you to see me, yer Honour. [magisterially] I come to you today about a very serious matter.
HIGGINS. [to Pickering] Brought up in Collie. Mother Welsh, I should think. [to Doolittle] What would that be?
DOOLITTLE [menacingly] I want my daughter, that's what I want. All right?
HIGGINS. [cheerfully] Of course you do. You're her father, aren't you? You don't suppose anyone else wants her, do you? I'm glad to see you have some spark of family feeling left. She's next door. Please, take her away immediately.
DOOLITTLE [taken aback] What!?
HIGGINS. Take her away. Did you think I intended to look after your daughter for you?
DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Well seein’ as how you got her I naturally assumed…[pause] Come on! fair go yer Professorship. The girl belongs to me. You got her. [pause, slyly] So I’m thinkin’, what’s in it for me?
HIGGINS. [mock outrage] Mr Doolittle! Your daughter had the audacity to come to my office and ask me to teach her to speak correctly so that she could get on in life. Doctor Pickering and my assistant have been here with me all the time. [threateningly] How dare you come here and attempt to blackmail me? I’m beginning to suspect you sent her here on purpose.
DOOLITTLE [protesting] Pig’s arse!
HIGGINS. You must have. How else could you possibly know that she is here? She told us you were estranged.
DOOLITTLE. You reckon this is a rort? [pause] No way, Prof. I’m ridgey didge.
HIGGINS. Perhaps the authorities should be notified. Such a devious plan… a plot to extort money by menaces. I should call the police [he picks up his phone].
DOOLITTLE. Whoa, whoa, hang on there mate. No need to get yer knickers in a knot. Have I axed for any cash? Ax the Doc here. Have I said a word about wanting anything from ya?
HIGGINS. [putting the phone down] Then what did you come here for?
DOOLITTLE [sweetly] Nothing dodgy that’s for sure. What d’ya reckon I’ve come for?
HIGGINS. [disarmed] Well, Mr. Doolittle, did you put her up to this?
DOOLITTLE. So help me, mate, I never did. Bloody hell, I ain’t even seen the girl in yonks.
HIGGINS. Then how did you know she was here?
DOOLITTLE ["most musical, most melancholy"] I'll tell you, mate, if you'll only let me get a word in. I'm willing to tell ya. I'm wanting to tell ya. I'm waiting to tell ya.
HIGGINS. [to Pickering] Pickering, this chap has a certain natural gift of rhetoric. Observe the rhythm of his native singsong. "I'm willing to tell you. I'm wanting to tell you. I'm waiting to tell you." Sentimental rhetoric! That's the Welsh strain in him. It also accounts for his mendacity and dishonesty.
PICKERING. [shocked] Oh, please, Higgins! I have Welsh ancestry myself. [To Doolittle] Then how did you know the girl was here, if you didn't send her?
DOOLITTLE. Was like this, Doc. The cabbie what brung her is a mate of mine. And ‘e wuz ‘angin’ around the Uni on the chance of a back fare. Then she comes out and axes him to fetch her gear ‘cos some posh bloke was arranging for her to stay there. The bloke filled me in on it when we caught up for a coldie at the Malarga this arvo.
[Higgins writes in his notebook]
HIGGINS. [excited] Wonderful! [imitates Doolittle] “caught up for a coldie at the Malaga this arvo”. This “Malaga” is a public house I take it?
DOOLITTLE. Too right it is. A poor fella's gentleman’s club, Prof. [indignant] And why shouldn't an honest battler grab a quick snort after knock-off? And, they got skimpy’s on Wednesdays!
PICKERING. Do let him tell his story, Higgins.
DOOLITTLE. Anyways, blind Freddy could see what’s ‘appening. I put it to you, what’s a Father to do? I says to me mate, "You bring me her stuff," I says. “And…”
PICKERING. [interrupting] Why didn't you go for it yourself?
DOOLITTLE. Ha! That old crow of a caretaker wouldn't have trusted me with it. As it was I had to give me mate twenty bucks before he’d trust me with it, the miserable bastard. And now I’ve brought it here by ways of doing the right thing. Fair dinkum!
PICKERING. So how much luggage does she have?
DOOLITTLE. Bugger all. Seen better on the bin truck, Doc. A few pictures, make-up, and a busted-up ukulele. She said she didn't need no clothes. Well what was I to think of that, eh? I axes you, what’s a Father to make of that, eh?
HIGGINS. So, in fact, you came to rescue her from a fate worse than death?
DOOLITTLE [appreciatively: relieved at being understood] My oath I did.
PICKERING. [curious] Then why did you bring her luggage,…[pause] If you intended to take her away?
DOOLITTLE. There you go again, Doc. Putting words in me mouth. Have I said anything about taking her away? Have I?
HIGGINS. [determinedly] Either way, you are going to take her away. Right now.
DOOLITTLE [alarmed] Calm down mate. I’m not out to cut yer lunch. As her father I’m not gunna stand in her way, seein’ as how she’s come good. And…
[Mrs. Pearce knocks and opens the door.]
HIGGINS. [nonchalantly] Ah Mrs. Pearce, this man is Eliza's father. He has come to take her. Will you give her to him.
DOOLITTLE. Whoa! Prof., don’t you be going all high and mighty on me…
MRS. PEARCE. I’m sorry Professor, but he can't take her away now, can he? I’ve just put all her clothes in the incinerator. I’ve had to put her in the antique kimono you received from Osaka University. She certainly can’t go out in public dressed in that!
DOOLITTLE. Aha! There you go. I can't rightly carry the girl through the streets in her jarmies can I? What are ya?
HIGGINS. Mr Doolittle, you have put it to me that you want your daughter returned. So I say, take your daughter. If she has no suitable clothes, then you can go out and buy her some.
DOOLITTLE [desperate] But what about the gear she came in? Did I burn ‘em or did yer missus here?
MRS. PEARCE. [outraged to Doolittle] Please! If you don’t mind. I am Professor Higgins’ personal assistant. [pause] Anyway, as it happens I have already sent for some new clothes for Eliza. So, when they come you can take her away. Meanwhile, perhaps you would care to wait in the reception area. This way, please.
[Doolittle accompanies her to the door, then hesitates.]
DOOLITTLE. [confidentially to Higgins] Listen here, Prof. We’re all men of the world here, ain’t we?
HIGGINS. Oh! Men of the world, are we? [pause] Then you'd better go, Mrs. Pearce.
MRS. PEARCE. [with dignity] Gladly.
[Mrs. Pearce leaves]
PICKERING. Now, the floor is yours Mr. Doolittle.
DOOLITTLE [to Pickering] Thanks Doc. [to Higgins] Well, mate, the truth is, I reckon there’s a deal to be done. You want the girl and as it ‘appens I'm not so keen on having her back. So, I’m willing to let her go. As a shiela, you wouldn’t call her a dog. But as a daughter she's like tits on a bull. And that’s the deadset truth of it. All I ax is some compo, [pause] as her Father. Fair go Prof, I can see you're dinky-di. But I'd be a mug to flick her off for zilch wouldn’t I? And well, what's…[pause] say… three.. fou…[pause] five hundred to you? That’s round about what Liza means to me.
[Doolittle sits down judicially].
PICKERING. [concerned] I think you ought to know, Mr. Doolittle, that Henry's intentions are entirely honourable.
DOOLITTLE. Yea, yea, yea… course they are, mate. If I thought they wasn't, I'd be axsing for a grand.
HIGGINS. [revolted] Do you mean to say, you unscrupulous bugger, that you would sell your daughter for as little as five hundred dollars?
DOOLITTLE. Not in a general way I wouldn't. But to oblige a smart bloke like you I’m willing to come to an arrangement. If you get my drift.
PICKERING. Have you no morals, man?
DOOLITTLE [unabashed] Can't afford ‘em, mate. Neither could you if you was as piss poor as me. No, I reckons that if Liza is backed up on this, I should cop a minty rapper too?
HIGGINS. [writing down] “…cop a minty rapper too”. [pause] [troubled] I am not sure what to do, Pickering. There can be no question that it's a moral crime to give this man any money. And yet I feel a strange sort of rough justice in his claim.
DOOLITTLE. That's it, Prof. That's all I say. A father's heart, as it were.
PICKERING. [concerned] Well, I understand the feeling. But really it doesn’t seem as if it’s the right…
DOOLITTLE. [interrupting] You’re on the wrong tram, me old mate. You’re looking at it arse-about. It’s not about what I’m gettin’. What am I, fellas? I axe you, what am I? I'm one of the undeserving poor, that's what I am. Think of what that means to a bloke. It means that he's up against the middle-class morality all the time. If there's anything going, and I put in for a bit, it's always the same story: "You're undeserving, so you can't have it." But my needs is as great as the most deserving bludger's that ever got money out of six different agencies in one week for a dodgy workplace injury. I don't need less than a deserving man, I need more. I don't eat less than him, and I bloody drink a hell of a lot more. I want a few jollies, cause I'm a thinking man. I want to yarn with me mates, sink a few tinnies and play the ponies when I feel low. But I still have to pay through the nose, same as anyone. What is this middle-class morality? Just an excuse for stitchin’ up an honest Aussie battler. Therefore, I axe you, as a pair of good old boys, give us a fair go. Fellas, straight up…I ain’t pissing in yer pocket, I am definitely undeserving. I mean to go on being undeserving. My oath I do. But would you take advantage of a bloke's honest nature to do him out of the value of his own daughter, what he's brought up, fed, clothed, and busting his gut for, until she's growed big enough to be of interest to you two gentlemen? Is a monkey unreasonable for all that? I put it to you. I put it to you again. And I leave it to you.
HIGGINS. [to Pickering] Pickering, if I were to take this man as a student for six months, he could choose between a seat in parliament or one in the High Court.
PICKERING. Well. What do you say to that, Doolittle?
DOOLITTLE. Not me, mate, thank you kindly. I've knocked about with me fair share of pollies, beaks and shiny arses. ‘Cos as a thinking man I’m always game for a bit of politics or legal reform and other such bull. But I tell you most of them bastards are mad as a cut snake, no matter ‘ow you take ‘em. No, that’s not for me. Undeserving poverty is how I make a quid and undeserving is all I aim to be.
HIGGINS. [adamant] Well then, I suppose we must give him the five hundred.
PICKERING. [concerned] I’m afraid he'll make a bad use of it.
DOOLITTLE. [reassuringly] You’re not wrong Doc. Don't worry yourselves that I'll do the right thing by it. I’ll blow the lot this weekend. Yep, I'll rock up to work Monday without a brass razoo. Your cash won't do nothin’ to me, just a top night on the turps for me and the missus. Giving pleasure to us and employment to others, and of course, satisfaction to you knowin’ it's all been pissed away worthlessly. You couldn't spend your dough better.
[Higgins takes out his wallet]
HIGGINS. [to Pickering] He’s quite something isn’t he? [to Doolittle] I tell you what Mr Doolittle, I will make it a thousand.
DOOLITTLE. No, no, no, Prof. Having a thousand bucks is too much to handle. It makes a bloke feel prudent like. I wouldn't have the heart to blow a grand. Strike me! I may even be inclined to consider puttin’ some towards a wedding! And that’d leave me miserable as a bandicoot. No Prof, just give me what I axed for, not a dollar more, not a dollar less.
PICKERING. [curious] What do you mean Alfred, your wedding? Aren’t you married to Eliza’s stepmother?
DOOLITTLE. Keen on those assumptions aren’t ya. As it happens I ain’t Doc. I’m game but she won’t come at it. ‘Cos it's me that gets the rough end of the pineapple. See, I've got no hold on her. I’ve got to be agreeable to her, give her presents. I have to fork out on clothes something rotten. I tell you I'm a slave to that woman. And all because I'm not her lawful husband. And she’s wise to it too. Won’t have bar of getting hitched. Take my advice Prof, get yourself shacked up to Eliza while she's young and don't know no better. If you don't, then you'll be sorry for it after. If you do, she'll be sorry for it after. An’ better you than her, ‘cos you're a bloke. And she's only a sheila, and they don't know how to be happy anyways.
HIGGINS. Pickering, if we listen to this man another minute, we shall have no principles left. [to Doolittle] Five hundred dollars I think you said.
DOOLITTLE. Bang on, Prof.
HIGGINS. You're sure you won't take a thousand?
DOOLITTLE. Not now…[pause] Another time, maybe.
HIGGINS. Here you go.
[Higgins hands Doolittle the money]
DOOLITTLE. Thank you, gentlemen. And g’day to youse both.
[Doolittle hurries to the door. He is confronted by Mrs. Pearse and Eliza].
DOOLITTLE: Beg pardon, miss.
ELIZA. Strewth! You old ratbag. Don't ya recognise yer own daughter?
DOOLITTLE [exclaiming] Bugger me! [pause] Is that you Liza!
HIGGINS. [simul-] What's that! This!
PICKERING [ - taneously] Oh my!
ELIZA. Didn’t scrub up too bad, did I?
HIGGINS. Well, er…
MRS. PEARCE. Now, Professor, please don't say anything to make the girl conceited about herself.
HIGGINS. [conscientiously] Oh! Quite right, Mrs. Pearce. [to Eliza] Yes, I suppose it’s an improvement.
MRS. PEARCE. Please, Professor.
HIGGINS. [correcting himself] I mean you do look presentable.
ELIZA. I’ll look even better with me hat on.
[Eliza picks up her hat and puts it on].
ELIZA. Here, have a squiz at this!
HIGGINS. Strangely attractive…and yet it ought to look horrible!
DOOLITTLE. [with fatherly pride] You’re not wrong. Pretty spiffy ain’t you, me girl. Credit to me, ain’t she fellas?
ELIZA. I tell you, it's easy as piss getting dolled up at that flash spa. Woolly towels, ‘romatherapy, hot stone massage. And they got herbal teas, and a wooden bowl of stuff smelling like fresh flowers. Now I know why smart ladies look so fine. Makes me realise how much my life’s been a piece of shit.
HIGGINS. Well I'm glad the facilities met with your approval.
ELIZA. Some of the punters were a bit shonky but. There was this pair of old chooks who were off their face... Carrying on like pork chops. Just ask Mrs. Pearce.
HIGGINS. [confused] What was wrong, Mrs. Pearce?
MRS. PEARCE [blandly] Oh, nothing, sir. It doesn't matter.
ELIZA. [proudly] I gave ‘em a spray I did… rat-arsed before lunchtime!
HIGGINS. What?
MRS. PEARCE. Champagne cocktails, Professor.
HIGGINS. Doolittle, it appears you may have brought your daughter up too conservatively.
DOOLITTLE. [shocked] Me! Never brought her up at all, except to have her run errands for me. Don't put that on me, Prof. She just isn’t accustomed to posh behaviour, you see, that's all. But I reckon she’ll pick up your boozy ways soon enough.
ELIZA. [outraged] Will not! I'm a nice girl I am. Not like them old pisspots.
HIGGINS. [firmly] Eliza, if you say that you're a nice girl one more time, your father will take you home.
ELIZA. [confidently] Oh no he won’t… [pause][curious] What cock and bull has he been spinnin’ ya? [pause] You know, all he come here for was to touch you for a couple o’ bucks to piss up against the wall.
DOOLITTLE. And what else would I do with it? Pay my taxes I suppose? Ha! Now we’ll have a bit less of your lip, my girl. Don't let me hear you giving this bloke none neither or you'll have me to answer to. See?
HIGGINS. Wonderful. [concluding] Do you have any more gems of fatherly advice you wish to give Eliza before you go, Mr. Doolittle?
DOOLITTLE. No way, Prof. I ain’t such a mug as to try and give me kids an earbashing. Hard enough to hold ‘em in without that. And if you think you can do summat to improve our Liza, well, all I can say is, good luck to ya. Time for me to nick off then…
HIGGINS. [impressively] Wait. Of course, I assume you'll want to visit your daughter regularly to check on her welfare. It is your parental duty, after all. Well, you’ll be pleased to know that the university has a very good relationship counselling service. You could go along with Eliza.
DOOLITTLE [evasively] Certainly I'll be in it, Prof. [pause] Just can’t make it for a couple a weeks. Got a bit of business up north. But when I’m back, for sure. You can count me in. Tooroo ‘til then. [formally to Mrs. Pearce] Good day to you, Mrs. Lead the way…
[Mrs. Pearce and Doolittle leave]
ELIZA. Don't you trust anythin’ that old bugger says. He'd as soon you set a pitbull on him as a shrink. Odds on you won't be seein’ him again any time soon.
HIGGINS. I’m not sure I want to, Eliza. Do you?
ELIZA. Strewth no. I don't never want to see him, I don't. He's a disgrace to me, he is. Passin’ off as a garbo, ‘stead of his real trade.
PICKERING. [interested] What is his trade, Eliza?
ELIZA. Ha! Talking cash out of other folk's pockets mostly. [pause][friendly] Doctor Pickering, ain’t you gunna call me Miss Doolittle no more?
PICKERING. [apologetically] I beg your pardon, Miss Doolittle. It was a slip of the tongue.
ELIZA. Oh, I don't mind. Only it sounds so la-de-da when you say it. Makes me feel real lady-like. You know I’ve a mind to go down to me local Maccas now. Put those stuck up sheilas who hang out there in their place. Wouldn't speak to ’em, you know, just stand there and watch ‘em gimme the once over.
PICKERING. Perhaps you should wait until we get you something more formal to wear.
HIGGINS. Besides, you shouldn't drop your old friends just because you have risen in the world. That's what we call snobbery.
ELIZA. You wouldn’t call the likes of them mates. They’re always slagging everyone off, rubbishing anything and everything. I just meant it would be fun to get a bit of my own back. But if I'm going to get dolled up proper, I'll wait. Could do with a bit more bling.
[Mrs. Pearce comes back into the room]
MRS. PEARCE. Now, Eliza. Come with me. I’ve found a few things for you to try on.
ELIZA. Ah, tar‚ you hoo!
[Eliza rushes out].
MRS. PEARCE. [calling to Eliza] Oh, Eliza, don't rush about like that.
[Mrs. Pearce shuts the door behind her].
HIGGINS. Pickering, I suspect we have taken on a challenging project.
PICKERING [with conviction] Yes Higgins, I suspect we have.