Pig Melon - Act Five

A young shelf stacker from the Perth suburbs is met at the Australia Day fireworks by a university sociology professor who specialises in the phonetics of the English language.  The professor teases her about her ambition to be sociably acceptable given her accent and coarse language.  He suggests an experiment. Over 9 months she is intensively taught to speak Cultivated Australian English and behave like a socialite.  She is exhibited and tested at the Melbourne Cup Lunch at the Royal Perth Yacht Club.
Based on Pygmalion by George Bernard Shaw (1913)
Adapted by Tim McGrath (2020)
Cast
Eliza Doolittle (bogan)  | : | Helen Peerless
Professor Henry Higgins (sociology professor)  | : | Stephen McVey
Doctor Pickering (friend and conscience of Higgins)  | : | Peter Hocking
Alfred Doolittle (philosophical father of Eliza)  | : | Ron Potiphar
Mrs. Pearce (Henry’s assistant at the university)  | : | Isabelle McGrath
Mrs. Higgins (mother of Henry)  | : | Fiona McVey
Mrs. Fortescue (snobby mother)  | : | Annie Taylor
Clara Fortescue (snooty daughter)  | : | Duncan McGrath
Nigel Fortescue (soppy romantic admirer of Eliza)  | : | Isabelle McGrath
Bystander | : | Fiona McVey
Sarcastic Bystander | : | Ron Potiphar

Transcript

Act V

Mrs. Higgins' apartment. She is at her writing-table. Eliza is sitting on the settee.

[Doorbell rings.]

MRS. HIGGINS. Ah. That will be Henry!  Eliza go into the bedroom and don’t come out until I call you.

[Door opens.]

[Higgins bursts in]

HIGGINS. [in a panic] Mother, I need your help. It’s a complete catastrophe!

MRS. HIGGINS. Yes, dear. Good morning.

[He kisses her]. 

MRS. HIGGINS. Now, what is it?

HIGGINS. Eliza's gone!

MRS. HIGGINS. [calmly] So? I expect you probably scared her off.

HIGGINS. Scared her! Not likely! I left her last night to close up the office. But instead of going home, she’s disappeared. Mrs. Pearce says that she didn’t go home but sent a taxi for her things early this morning. To make matters worse, that fool Mrs. Pearce let them go, without saying a word to me about it! What on earth am I supposed to do now?

MRS. HIGGINS. That’s very simple Henry. Do without her. The girl has a perfect right to leave if she chooses.

[Higgins paces the room]

HIGGINS. [distractedly] But, but…[pause] No. That won’t do. I can't find anything. I don't know what meetings I have. I'm, I’m… 

[Door knocks and is opened by Mrs. Higgins, Pickering comes in.]

PICKERING. Good morning, Mrs. Higgins. I presume Henry has told you? 

HIGGINS. Ah, Pick. What did that fool of a sergeant say? Did you tell him there would be a reward?

MRS. HIGGINS. [indignant amazement] You don't mean to say you’ve asked the police to look for Eliza?

HIGGINS. Of course. What are the police for? What else could we do? 

PICKERING. The sergeant asked me a lot of awkward questions. I really think he suspected us of some improper purpose.

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, of course he did. What right have you to go to the police and report her missing as if she were a lost umbrella or one of your little statues? Really! Henry! 

HIGGINS. But we want to find her.

PICKERING. Yes. We can't just let her go like this can we? You must understand, Mrs. Higgins. What else could we do?

MRS. HIGGINS. Both of you have no more sense than two spoilt little chidlren... 

HIGGINS. [excitedly] Of course Pick! She’s probably gone to a relative of hers. One we know nothing about. 

MRS. HIGGINS. Do you actually know anything about her family?

PICKERING. We know her father. The bin-man we told you about.

[Doorbell rings.]  

MRS HIGGINS. I’ll see who that is.

[Door opens.  Unintelligible mutterings.]

MRS HIGGINS. [calling from the doorway] Henry… There is a gentleman at the door who wants to see you urgently. He's says he was sent here by Mrs. Pearce.

HIGGINS. [calling back to Mrs. Higgins in the doorway] I can’t possibly see any of my students today. What’s his name?

MRS HIGGINS.  [calling from the doorway] It’s a Mr. Doolittle.

PICKERING. [calling back to Mrs. Higgins in the doorway] Doolittle!? Is he a garbage collector?

MRS HIGGINS. [calling from the doorway] Garbage collector? Oh... I’m not sure… I’d say not… he’s dressed in a very nice suit.

HIGGINS. [calling back to Mrs. Higgins in the doorway] Let him in mother, quickly.

[Doolittle storms in]

DOOLITTLE. See here Prof! Do you see me? You done this.

HIGGINS. Done what?

DOOLITTLE. This, I tell you. Look at it. Look at this posh hat. Look at this tailored coat.

PICKERING. Has Eliza been buying you clothes?

DOOLITTLE. Eliza! Not her. Not likely. Why would she be buying me clothes?

[Mrs Higgins coughs lightly]

MRS. HIGGINS. Good morning, Mr. Doolittle. It is a pleasure to meet you at last. I’ve heard so much about you. Please, won't you sit down?

DOOLITTLE [taken aback] Beg your pardon, missus. Morning! I’m just in such a tizz that I forgot me manners.

HIGGINS. Doolittle, what on earth has happened to you?

DOOLITTLE. I wouldn't have minded if all this had been my own doin’. Fair go, anyone might come a cropper if they ain’t careful. But this is something that you done to me. Yes you, Professor Henry Higgins.

HIGGINS. Wha??... Have you found Eliza? Is that what this is about?

DOOLITTLE. [curious] Why, have you lost her?

HIGGINS. Yes.

DOOLITTLE. Maaate, you can’t win a trick, can ya. [pause] No, I ain’t found her. Reckon she'll find me right enough though.  After she finds out what you done to me.

MRS. HIGGINS. And what has my son done to upset you so, Mr. Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE. Done to me! He has destroyed my happiness. My life’s gone down the gurgler. I’ve bin sucked in an a honest battler and spat out a middle-class toff.

HIGGINS. [intolerantly] Mr Doolittle, are you drunk? You’re behaving like a lunatic. All I did was give you five hundred dollars.

DOOLITTLE. [indignantly] Oh! pissed am I? Berko am I? You tell me this. Did you or did you not write to some old duffer in Sydney that was giving fifty million to start some “Moral Reform Society”.  What had axed you to invent a universal business language for him?

HIGGINS. [shocked] What?! You mean old Billy Hancock! [pause] Didn’t he die recently? 

DOOLITTLE. [explaining] Too right he did, and ‘cos of it I'm stuffed. Now, Henry Higgins. Did you or did you not tell him that the best moralist speaker in Oz today, to your knowledge, was a certain Mr. Alfred Doolittle.

HIGGINS. [amused] Ha! Perhaps…. [pause] [embarrassed] I may have made some tongue-in-cheek remark to that effect.

DOOLITTLE. [indignantly] Ah! Yes. It might well have been ‘tongue-in-cheek’. It may have been a ‘remark’. But it put the kibosh on me right enough. Gave old Billy the chance to demonstrate that rich blokes is not like the rest of us. That they recognize and respect merit in every class of life, however common. Them exact words is in his bloody will. In which, Professor Henry Higgins, thanks to your ‘tongue-in-cheek remark’, he leaves me an endowment of over three hundred grand a year.  On the proviso that I front up and speak at the Hancock Moral Reform Society whenever they axes me…. [pause] as many as six times a year!

HIGGINS. [laughing] Well, well, he did did he! I’ll be… [lost for words] What a lark!

PICKERING. [helpfully] Surely that obligation will be easy for you fulfil, Alfred. I can’t imagine they will ask you to speak a second time.

DOOLITTLE. [explaining] Oh! It isn’t the spruikin’ that I mind. I can yabber on with the best of ‘em. It's making me middle-class that gets my goat. Who axed him to make me a member of respectable society? I used to be footloose and fancy free. I was a happy bloke. I’d just needed to put the bite on someone when I wanted some cash, same as I tapped you, Henry Higgins. But now I’m the one who’s cashed up and they puts the bite on me! ‘Surely it's a beneficial bequest’, says my solicitor. ‘Pig’s arse it is?’ says I. ‘What you mean is, it's good for you’, I says. [explaining] You know once, when I was on the bones of my arse, they found a few cartons of scotch that had accidently fallen into me rubbish truck. Well, me solicitor got me off, pro bonio-like. But after that he got shut of me quick smart. Same thing goes for the medicos. They used to chuck me out of hospital before I could hardly walk ‘cos I had nothing to pay ‘em with. Now they’re telling me I'm all buggered up and won’t last unless they poke and prod and bill me regular. I can’t even do anything around the house. Somebody else does the hard yakka and I pay though the nose for it. Let me tell you folks, a few months ago I hadn't a rellie this side of the Black Stump, except two or three that would’na speak to me. Now I got fifty of ‘em, and every one’s a hopeless bludger.  I have to live for others and not for myself. That's what middle-class morality does for ya.  [pause] You reckon you lost my Eliza? No worries! I betcha she's on my doorstep already, even though she could support herself easy if she had a mind to.  And no doubt the next in line to put the bite on me is you, Professor Henry Higgins. I'll have to have lessons so as to speak proper, instead of speaking normal. And that's when you’ll come knocking. I daresay that's why you done this to me in the first place, you cunning bastard!

MRS. HIGGINS. [helpfully] But, my dear Mr. Doolittle, you don’t have to suffer all that if you don’t want to. Nobody can force you to accept the endowment. You can repudiate it. Isn't that so, Doctor Pickering?

PICKERING. I believe so.

DOOLITTLE [softening his manner] Aah! Isn’t that the tragedy of it all, Mrs. H. I’m with you there. It should be a cinch to flick it off. But, I ain’t got the guts. Which one of us has? We're all intimidated. Intimidated by our destiny. That's what we are. What is there for me if I did knock it back but ended up in me dotage, just another dero in the dosshouse? As it is, I’m already having to dye me hair to keep me job at the council. Now, if I was one of the deserving poor, and had put by a bit, I might well say ‘bugger it’.  But then, them deserving poor might as well be millionaires for all the joy it brings ‘em. They don't know what happiness is. And so it is that I, Alfred Doolittle, as one of the undeserving poor, have nothing between me and the welfare but this flamin’ three hundred grand a year. And that shoves me up the clacka into the quiche-eating middle-class. I tells ya, life’s a toss-up between the desperation of the welfare and the desperation the golf club. And I just ain’t up to singing with the Salvos yet. Intimidated, I am, good and proper. Well and truly schtuckered.  Happier blokes than me will have to empty my bins, and then bite me for their Christmas tip. Half their luck! I tell ya missus, it’s Rafferty’s rules from here on in. And that’s what your nosey, smart-arsed, bastard of a son has done to me! (Pardon the choice language, but you'd use it too if you had my provocation). 

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, I'm just glad you’ve decided not to do anything too impetuous, Mr. Doolittle. I also suspect this solves the problem of Eliza's future. As her father, you can provide for her now.

DOOLITTLE. [with melancholy resignation] You’re not wrong there, Mrs. H. I fully expect to be shellin’ out for every one of my sprogs and their dropkick partners and dogs. And all out of three hundred grand a year.

HIGGINS. [annoyed] What a load of rhetorical rubbish! Of course he won't have to provide for Eliza. In fact, he can't provide for her. She doesn't belong to him. I paid him five hundred for her. Doolittle! You are either a fool or a fraud!

DOOLITTLE. [tolerantly] A little of both, Henry, like the rest of us. A little of both.

HIGGINS. [insistent] You took my money for the girl so you have no right to take her back.

MRS. HIGGINS. [frustrated] Henry! Don't be absurd. Stop this ridiculous argument now! Honestly gentlemen, this whole situation is absurd. [pause] If you really want to know where Eliza is, she is here, with me.

HIGGINS. [amazed] With you!!! [pause] Then tell her to come in here now. 

MRS. HIGGINS. [firmly] Be quiet, Henry. And sit down.

HIGGINS. I‚ I, I…

MRS. HIGGINS. [sternly] Sit down, dear. And listen to me.

HIGGINS.  [subdued] Oh… very well, very well. But I think you could have told me this half an hour ago and saved all this fuss.

MRS. HIGGINS. [ignoring him] Eliza came to me early this morning. She spent last night initially walking about in a rage, then considering whether to throw herself into the river. Finally, she ended up here and told me of the brutal way you two have treated her.

HIGGINS. [shocked] What!?

PICKERING [surprised] My dear Mrs. Higgins, what has she been telling you? I honestly don’t think we treated her brutally. In fact, we’ve hardly said a thing to her since her performance at the Yacht Club. I felt we parted on quite good terms. [to Higgins]. Henry, did you do or say anything to upset her after I went home?

HIGGINS. Quite the opposite. She threw my Galatea at me! She behaved in the most outrageous way without the slightest provocation. The statue came at me the moment I entered the room‚ before I had even said a word. And she followed it up with some pretty strong language.

PICKERING [astonished] But why would she do that? What did we do to her?

MRS. HIGGINS. I think I know what you did. The girl is naturally rather affectionate, I think. Isn't she, Mr. Doolittle?

DOOLITTLE. A real sook, Mrs. H.. Takes after me.

MRS. HIGGINS. As I thought. Eliza had become attached to you both. She worked very hard for you.  Henry, I don't think you quite realize the mental and emotional strain you put that girl under. Then, when the day of her test came, and she did this wonderful thing for you without making a single mistake, you never said a word to her. You just talked about how glad you were that it was all over and how you had been bored by the whole thing. Then you were surprised because she threw a small statue at you! I would have thrown the entire collection.

HIGGINS. [defensively] But we said nothing except that we were tired and wanted to home. Didn’t we, Pick?

PICKERING [confused] I think that was all.

MRS. HIGGINS. [ironically] Are you both quite sure that was all you said to her?

PICKERING. Absolutely. Really, that was all.

MRS. HIGGINS. So, you didn't thank her, or congratulate her, or admire her, or tell her how magnificent she'd been?

HIGGINS. [impatiently] Of course not. She knew all that. We didn't make any speeches to her, if that's what you mean.

PICKERING [conscience stricken] Perhaps we may have been somewhat inconsiderate. [pause] Is she very angry with us?

MRS. HIGGINS. Well, I'm afraid she won't be going back to work with you. Especially now that Mr. Doolittle is able to keep her in the circumstances you have accustomed her to. However, she told me she is quite willing to meet you on friendly terms and to let bygones be bygones.

HIGGINS. [irritated] Is she, by Christ! That’s very magnanimous of her!

MRS. HIGGINS. Now, if you promise to behave yourself Henry, I'll ask her to come out. If not, you can go home now, you’ve already taken up quite enough of my time.

HIGGINS. Of course I’ll be on my best behaviour. Pick, you’d best behave yourself as well. We’ll put on our best manners for this miserable creature who we scraped out of the gutter. 

DOOLITTLE [remonstrating] Hang on a mo… Hold ya horses Prof! That’s my Liza you’re referring too. Please have some consideration for my recently acquired middle-class feelings. 

MRS. HIGGINS. Yes. And remember your promise, Henry. Mr. Doolittle, would you kindly step out onto the balcony for a moment. I don't want Eliza to have the shock of your news until she has reconciled with these two. Do you mind?

DOOLITTLE. Righto, Mrs. H.. Anything to make it so’s she’s kept off me hands. 

[Doolittle goes onto the balcony].

MRS. HIGGINS. Now, Henry, try and be polite. 

[Mrs. Higgins knocks on the bedroom door]. 

MRS. HIGGINS. Eliza, you can come out now, if you’d like to.

[pause]  

[Higgins fidgets]

HIGGINS. See mother, I’m behaving myself perfectly.

PICKERING. He is doing his best, Mrs. Higgins.

[A pause. Higgins throws back his head and begins to whistle ‘I could have danced all night’.]

MRS. HIGGINS. Henry dear, you don't look at all nice when you do that.

HIGGINS. I wasn’t trying to look nice.

MRS. HIGGINS. That doesn't matter, dear. I only wanted to make you to say something.

HIGGINS. Why?

MRS. HIGGINS. Because you can't speak and whistle at the same time.

[Higgins groans. Another very trying pause.]

HIGGINS. [impatiently] Where the hell is she? I can’t wait all day?

[Eliza’s door open and she comes out.]

ELIZA. Good morning Professor Higgins? Are you quite well?

HIGGINS. [choking] Am I? I am… [lost for words].

ELIZA. Of course you are.  You’re never ill are you. And it’s so nice to see you again, Doctor Pickering. It’s rather chilly this morning, isn't it? 

[pause silence]

HIGGINS. [angry] Oh! I see your game. Don't you dare try that on with me. I taught it to you.  You can’t fool me. Eliza, get your things and come back with us now. Don't be such an impetuous child.

[Eliza picks up the tea pot and pours herself a cup of tea]

MRS. HIGGINS. Very nicely put, Henry. No-one could resist such an invitation.

HIGGINS. Please don’t interfere mother. Let her speak for herself. You’ll soon see she hasn’t a single thought that I didn't put into her head, or a single word that I didn't put into her mouth. You know, I created this creature from what was behind the rubbish skips at the Balga mall. And now she tries to play the elegant sophisticate with me.

MRS. HIGGINS. [placidly] Yes, yes, dear. I’m sure you’re right.  Just be quiet and sit down again, please?

ELIZA. [to Pickering] Will you forget me now that your experiment is over, Doctor Pickering?

PICKERING. [upset] Oh don't say that Miss Doolittle. You mustn't think of our relationship as just an experiment. It upsets me that you think of it like that.

ELIZA. Oh, but aren’t I only something scraped from the gutter?

PICKERING [impulsively] No! Of course not.

ELIZA. [continuing quietly] Doctor I owe you so much. I would be upset if you forgot me.

PICKERING. That’s very kind of you to say, Miss Doolittle.

ELIZA. And it's not because you paid for my dresses. I realise you are generous to everybody with money. It’s because you taught me good manners and self-respect and these are what makes one a decent person, aren’t they? You see it was hard for me to realise that, with only Professor Higgins as an example. I was rather like him once, unable to control myself, and using bad language at the slightest provocation. I would never have known that civilised men and women don’t behave like that, if you hadn't been there.

HIGGINS. Well!!  You….

PICKERING. [interrupting] Oh, that's just Henry’s way. He doesn't mean anything by it.

ELIZA. Oh, I know that. Just as I didn't mean anything by it either, when I was a shelf stacker from the suburbs. It was how things were. But with your help I managed to improve myself and that's what makes the difference doesn’t it.

PICKERING. Undoubtably. But Henry did teach you to speak correctly. I couldn't have done that.

ELIZA. [trivially] Of course he did. But that is his profession, is it not?

HIGGINS. [subdued fury] What! You impertinent little….

ELIZA. [continuing] It’s rather like being taught to dance isn’t it. Nothing more than that really. Do you know when my real education started Doctor?

PICKERING. When?

ELIZA. When you called me ‘Miss Doolittle’ on the day I first went to the University. That was the beginning of self-respect for me. And there were a hundred other little things you probably never noticed you did. Because they came naturally to you. Things like your gentle attitude and listening to what I said and being considerate… 

PICKERING. Oh, that was nothing.

ELIZA. Yes. But those things showed that you thought and felt about me as if I were something better than a specimen in an experiment. Of course, I know you would have treated anyone else the same if they’d been in that office. You never shouted at me, teased me, took off your boots and put your feet on the desk or ignored me when I was there.

PICKERING. You mustn't mind that. Higgins takes off his boots all over the place.

ELIZA. I know. I am not blaming him. It’s just his way, isn't it? But it made such a difference to me that you didn't do those things. You see, really and truly, apart from the things one can imitate (the manners and the proper way of speaking, and so on), the difference between a civilised person and a trashy bogan is not how they behave, but how they are treated. I shall always be a shelf stacker to Professor Higgins, because he treats me as a shelf stacker, and always will.  But I know I am respected by you, because you always treat me with respect, and always will.

MRS. HIGGINS. Please don't grind your teeth, Henry.

PICKERING. Well, that is really very kind of you, Miss Doolittle.

ELIZA. I should like you to call me Eliza, now, if you would.

PICKERING. Thank you. Eliza, it will be my pleasure.

ELIZA. [pointedly] And I should like Professor Higgins to continue to call me Miss Doolittle.

HIGGINS. [angry] You little bitch. I'll be buggered if….!

MRS. HIGGINS. [sharply] Henry! 

PICKERING [laughing] Eliza, why don't answer him back? You don't need to take it. It would probably do him some good.

ELIZA. I don’t want to. I would have done once. But I can't go back to that sort of behaviour. Last night, when I was wandering about, a street girl spoke to me and I tried to get back into the old Liza with her. But I couldn’t. You once told me that when a child is brought to a foreign country, it picks up the language in a few weeks, and forgets its own. Well, I am now like a child in your country. I have forgotten my own language and can speak nothing but yours. That’s my real break with the past. Walking out of the office last night finished it.

PICKERING [much alarmed] Oh! but you are coming back to us, aren't you? You will forgive Henry?

HIGGINS. [furious] Forgive! Ha! Will she now. Christ no! Let her go and let’s see how she copes out on her own. Mark my words, she’ll be back at the supermarket shelves within a week without me to guide her.

PICKERING. Ignore him Eliza, he's incorrigible. You won't do that, will you?

[Doolittle comes in from the balcony]

ELIZA. No. Not now. Never again. I have learnt my lesson. I don't believe I could go back to the old Liza if I tried. 

DOOLITTLE. Ahem!  Hello there Liza. How about a smile for your old dad?

[Eliza turns to see her father and drops her work] 

ELIZA: A‚ ooo‚ wha? hey‚ shi..‚ ah‚ feck‚ ooh!

HIGGINS. [with a crow of triumph] Aha! Told you so!  “A‚ ooo‚ wha?‚ hey‚ shi..‚ ah‚ feck‚ ooh!  A‚ ooo‚ wha?‚ hey‚ shi..‚ ah‚ feck‚ ooh!  A‚ ooo‚ wha?‚ hey‚ shi..‚ ah‚ feck‚ ooh!” See. I was right! I win! 

DOOLITTLE. Jeez mate, fair shake of the sauce bottle, can you blame the girl? Don't look at me like that, Liza. It isn’t my fault I've come good. I couldn’t help it.

ELIZA. You must have put the bite on a real billionaire this time, dad.

DOOLITTLE. Kind of. But today I'm mockered up extra special. I'm off to church. Your step-mum is finally gonna marry me.

ELIZA. [angrily] What? You're not going to marry that vulgar woman! After the way she’s treated you.

PICKERING. [quietly] Its probably best he does, Eliza. [to Doolittle] Alfred, what made her change her mind?

DOOLITTLE. [sadly] Intimidation, Doc. Intimidation. [resigned] Middle-class morality claims yet another victim. [cheering up] So Liza, how’s about you put on yer hat and coat an’ come an’ see me get hitched?

ELIZA. I suppose if the Doctor approves, then I… I will demean myself. Although I’ll probably get insulted for my effort.

DOOLITTLE. You’ve got no worries on that score. The old chook hardly ever gives anyone a gobful these days. Poor woman! Respectability has broke all the spirit out of her.

PICKERING. [gently] You should be kind to your parents, Eliza. Appreciate them for who they are.

ELIZA. [forcing a little smile] Oh well, I expect you’re right Doctor. I’ll come along just to let her know there's no ill feeling. I'll get my coat and be back in a moment. 

[Eliza goes back into the bedroom]

DOOLITTLE. [to Pickering] You know Doc, this wedding ‘as got me as nervous as a mother kangaroo in a room full of pickpockets. Could you, by any chance, see your way clear to coming along and bein’ me offsider.

PICKERING. But surely you've been through it all before, Alfred? When you were married to Eliza's mother.

DOOLITTLE. There you go again… Who told you that, mate?

PICKERING. Well, nobody told me. But I naturally assumed.

DOOLITTLE. No way mate. Nothin’ assumed or natural about it. Naturally assuming is just the middle-classway. My way (as I may have mentioned earlier) is always the undeserving way. [quietly, aside] Only best say nothing to Liza. She don't know. I always been a bit iffy about telling her.

PICKERING. Quite right. I agree. We'll leave it as-is.

DOOLITTLE. So, you'll come to the church, Doc, and put me through straight?

PICKERING. With pleasure. As far as an old bachelor can.

MRS. HIGGINS. May I also come along, Mr. Doolittle? I think I would enjoy being at your wedding.

DOOLITTLE. It’d be an honour if you condescended to it, Mrs. H.. Christ, the old ball and chain will be stoked. She's been a bit dark lately, thinking of the happy days that are to be no more.

MRS. HIGGINS. [decisively] Wonderful. Then I'll order a taxi and be ready in fifteen minutes. 

[As she goes to the door Eliza comes in].

MRS. HIGGINS. I'm going to the church to see your father married, Eliza. You and I can share a taxi. And Doctor Pickering can go ahead with the bridegroom.

[Mrs. Higgins goes out.]

DOOLITTLE. Bridegroom! What a word! It makes a man realize his position somehow.

PICKERING. Before we leave Eliza, do forgive Henry? Will you come back to us?

ELIZA. I don't think my father would allow it. Would you, dad?

DOOLITTLE. [sad but magnanimous] I’ll admit, Liza, these ratbags played you off like a pair of dunny rats. If it had only been one of ‘em, you could have nailed ‘em. But fair go, there was two o’ the bastards. [To Pickering] You have to admit you wuz a bit of a dingo, Doc. But I bear no malice. Would have done the same myself. Seein’ as how I’ve been the victim of one sheila after another all my life. No, I won't hold a snout on you blokes for getting the better of my Liza. I shan't interfere. Yer on yer own there me girl. [announcing] Anyhows, it's time for us to go Doctor Pickering, me old mate. Ooroo, Henry. See you in church, Liza.

PICKERING. [coaxing] Please consider coming back to us, Eliza. 

[Pickering and Doolittle leave].

HIGGINS. So, Eliza, you've been cast adrift, so to speak. Have you had enough yet? Are you ready to be reasonable? Or do you want to act out some more histrionics?

ELIZA. You only want me back so I can manage your appointments and put up with your tempers and fetch and carry for you.

HIGGINS. I haven't said I want you back at all.

ELIZA. Oh, indeed. Then what are we talking about?

HIGGINS. About you, not about me. If you come back I’ll treat you just as I have always treated you. I can't change my nature and I certainly don't intend to change my manners. My manners are exactly the same as Doctor Pickering's.

ELIZA. That's not true. He treats a bogan as if she were a lady.

HIGGINS. Yes. And I treat a lady as if she were a bogan.

ELIZA. I see. The same treatment for everybody.

HIGGINS. Just so.

ELIZA. Like my father does.

HIGGINS. [amused] Without accepting the comparison at all points, Eliza, it's quite true that your father is not a snob.  In fact, he would be quite at home in any life situation to which his erratic destiny may take him. [seriously] The great secret, Eliza, is not having bad manners or good manners or any other particular sort of behaviour, but having the same behaviour for all human beings.  In short, behaving as if we were in a world where there are no classes, and one person is as good, or bad, as any other.

ELIZA. [sarcastically clapping] My God! You are such a bullshitter, Henry Higgins.

HIGGINS. [irritated] The question is not whether I treat you rudely, but whether you ever heard me treat anyone else better.

ELIZA. [with sudden sincerity] I don't care how you treat me. I don't mind you swearing at me. I don't even mind the odd blue. I've had worse in my time. But [firmly] I won't be passed by as if I wasn’t there.

HIGGINS. Then get out of my way because I won't stop for you. [pause] You make me sound like a train.

ELIZA. Well you are, like an express train. Fixed on your route and not stopping for anyone. I can do without you, don't you doubt it.

HIGGINS. I know you can. I was the one who told you you could.

ELIZA. [wounded] I know you did.  But that was just because you just wanted to get rid of me.

HIGGINS. That’s not true.

ELIZA. Isn’t it? 

HIGGINS. Did you ever ask yourself whether I could do without you?

ELIZA. [earnestly] You can’t twist me around anymore, you sneaky mongrel. You'll have to do without me now.

HIGGINS. [arrogant] I can do without everyone. I have my own conscience, my own universe, my own existence. But [with sudden humility] I shall miss you, Eliza. I have learnt things from your naive ramblings. I confess that, humbly and gratefully. And I have grown used to hearing your voice and seeing you around. I like all that.

ELIZA. Well, it’s a good thing that you have me on file. When you feel lonely without me, you can replay the recordings. And they’ve got no feelings to hurt.

HIGGINS. But they are only the voice and the face. They are not Eliza. I’ll miss the person.

ELIZA. Oh, you really are a smarmy little shit aren’t you! You hurt a girl by twisting her heart as easily as others might twist her arm. Mrs. Pearce warned me. You don’t even realise how often she has tried to leave you. But you always win her round at the last minute. You don't respect her, and you don’t respect me.

HIGGINS. I care for everyone, for humanity. You are part of something that has come my way and been embedded into my world. What more can you or anyone else ask of me?

ELIZA. I can't care about somebody who doesn't care about me.

HIGGINS. Yes! There are basic economic principles at play. We all strike a deal for how we treat each other.  Remember? [reproducing her Balga pronunciation] “Oi, mate, don't let him dob me in just for sayin’ that. Fair go!”

ELIZA. Don't throw that back at me. You can be so condescending at times.

HIGGINS. I have never been condescending. It is bad for the body and mind. I am expressing my righteous contempt for such a market economy. I don't and won't trade in affection. You've had a thousand times as much out of me as I have out of you. You called me a mongrel because you couldn’t gain my respect by finding my diary or making me a cup of tea. You were deluded. I think a woman serving a man is a disgusting sight. Did I ever make you a cup of tea? No. I would think a good deal more of you if you had thrown the cup in my face. It’s no use slaving for me and then saying you want to be respected. Who respects a slave? [pause] Eliza, if you do come back to work with me, come back for the sake of friendship, you'll get nothing else. But if you start whinging about having to look after me you can bugger off!

ELIZA. Why did you do all this then, if you didn't like me?

HIGGINS. [heartily] Why? Because it’s my profession.

ELIZA. And you never thought of the trouble you’d put me in.

HIGGINS. Would the world ever have been made if its maker had been afraid of making trouble? Making life means making trouble. There's only one way of escaping trouble, and that's to not live. 

ELIZA. But I am just a silly girl, remember? I didn’t understand things like that. I only noticed that you didn't notice me.

HIGGINS. [walking about intolerantly] Eliza, you can be such a goose. To think I wasted the excellence of my academic knowledge by spreading all this before you. Once and for all, understand that I will go my way and do my own work without giving a toss what happens to either of us. Unlike your father, I am not intimidated by society. As far as I am concerned you can come back to us at the University or call it quits, whatever you please.

ELIZA. Then why should I come back?

HIGGINS. [excitedly] For the fun of it! After all, that's why I took you on.

ELIZA.  And you’ll ditch me tomorrow if I don't do everything you want me to?

HIGGINS. Yes, I would. And you may walk out tomorrow if I don't do everything you want me to.

ELIZA. What then? Go and live with my parents?

HIGGINS. Yes, or go back to stacking shelves.

ELIZA. Do you think I could go back to the supermarket? I wish I was free of both you and my father and all this! But I’m trapped. Why did you take my freedom from me? Why did I give it up? I'm really am a slave now, despite how I look.

HIGGINS. [patronising] You’re not trapped. You have many options.  Let’s see… I could adopt you as my daughter, and set up a trust fund for you if you like. Or perhaps you’d rather marry Pickering?

ELIZA. [fiercely] I wouldn't marry you if you asked me, and you're nearer my age than what he is.

HIGGINS. [gently] ‘Than he is’, not "than what he is".

ELIZA. [angry] I'll talk as I like. You're not my teacher now.

HIGGINS. [reflectively] I don't suppose Pickering would marry you, though. He's as confirmed an old bachelor as I am.

ELIZA. Stop that. That's not what I want. I've always had plenty of blokes wanting me that way. I’ll have you know Nigel Fortescue writes to me two or three times a day, pages and pages.

HIGGINS. [disagreeably surprised] That little wimp, he’s got a nerve!

ELIZA. He has a right to if he likes, poor boy. He is pretty far gone on me.

HIGGINS. Well you have no right to encourage him.

ELIZA. Every girl has a right to be loved.

HIGGINS. What! By dorks like Nigel?

ELIZA. Nigel's not a dork. And if he is weak and innocent and wants me, maybe he'd make me happier than a jumped up smart-arse who would just wants to play with me like one of his statues.

HIGGINS. But can he make anything of you? Answer me that.

ELIZA. Perhaps I could make something of him. But I never thought of us making anything of one another. And yet you never think of anything else. I would only want us to be honest with each other.

HIGGINS. So, you want me to be as besotted with you as Nigel is? Is that it?

ELIZA. No, I don't. That's not the sort of feeling I want from you at all. Don't you go getting tickets on yourself. I could have flirted with you easy, if I'd wanted. I know more about those things than you, for all your pontificating. Girls like me can make blokes want them easy enough. Though afterwards they both wish they hadn’t bothered.

HIGGINS. I’m sure they do. I’m in agreement there. So what are we squabbling about?

ELIZA. [much troubled] I want a little respect. I know you think I'm a trashy bogan chick, and you’re a great scholar. But I'm not shit on your shoes. What I done [correcting herself] what I did, was not for the dresses or the jewellery.  I did it because we achieved something together and I come‚.. came‚ to care about you. Not forgetting the differences between us, I had hoped we had built a basic human appreciation of each other.

HIGGINS. Well, of course we did. That's just how I feel too. And how Pickering feels. Oh Eliza, you can be frustrating at times.

ELIZA. That's a pretty weak answer Professor.

HIGGINS. It's the best answer you'll get until you stop being such a sook. If you're going to be a true lady, you'll have to give up feeling like a lily on a dustbin if blokes don't spend half their time wooing you and the other half ignoring you. If you can't stand the aloof nature of my sort of life, and the strain of it, go back to living in the suburbs. You find me cold, unfeeling, selfish, don't you? Very well, as you might have once said… “Piss off back to the trash you came from. Shack up with some sentimental slob with stacks of money, and a thick pair of lips to pash you with and have a dozen sprogs”. Eliza, if you can't appreciate what you’ve got, you'd better get what you can appreciate.

ELIZA. [sobbing gently] Oh, my dad was right.  You’re slipperier than a dunny rat you are. I just can't talk to you. You turn everything against me so that I'm always in the wrong.  When all the time you're nothing more than a bully. You know I can't go back to where I came from, and that I have no-one else looking out for me. You know perfectly well I couldn't bear to live my old life after this. It's a terrible thing for you to do to insult me by going on as if I could. You think I must go back to you at the University because I have other option except depend upon my father. Well don't you be too sure about that. I'll marry Nigel Fortescue! I will, as soon as he's able to support me.

HIGGINS. Bugger that! Such a waste! If you are to marry anyone it should be to a mining magnate. In fact, you should be marrying the next Premier or Chief Justice. I'm not going to have my masterpiece thrown away on a Nigel bloody Fortescue.

ELIZA. You think I’d prefer that? I haven't forgotten what you said a minute ago.  If I can't have respect, I'll have freedom.

HIGGINS. Freedom? That's just more middle-class bullshit. We are all slaves to one another, every one of us on earth.

ELIZA. [determinedly] I'll show you I'm not your slave. What you preach, I can teach. I'll become a teacher.

HIGGINS. What on earth would you teach, for Christ’s sake?

ELIZA. What you taught me of course. I'll teach phonetics.

HIGGINS. [mocking] Ha! Ha! Ha!

ELIZA. Yes. I'll offer myself as an assistant at another University.

HIGGINS. [furious] What! Teach them my methods! My discoveries! You try that young lady and you’ll regret it.

[Higgins hits the table]

HIGGINS. Do you understand!

ELIZA. [defiantly non-resistant] I might well give it a go. What do I care about intimidation? I knew one day you'd threaten me. And now I know how to handle you. What a fool I was not to think of this before! You can't take away the knowledge you gave me. You even said I had a finer ear than you. And I can be civil and kind to people, which is more than you can. Oh yes! That's what’s finally got to you, Henry Higgins, hasn’t it. Now that you’ve realized I’m not intimidated by you playing silly buggers and big noting yourself. Yes, I think I'll advertise in the paper that Higgins’ smart socialite is in fact a shelf stacking bogan from Balga. And for a thousand dollars she can teach any girl to be like her. When I think of myself grovelling at your feet and being walked all over and insulted. And all the time I had only to lift up my finger to be as good as you. I’m so annoyed at myself!

HIGGINS. [wondering at her] You can be wonderfully impudent can’t you! I like you like this. It's so much more attractive than snivelling, better than making tea and finding diaries, isn't it? Well, Eliza, I said I'd make a fine woman of you and now I have. 

ELIZA. Ha! Sorry Henry, but I can see how you’ve just twisted your spin back on me again. Now that I'm not scared of you, now that I can get on without you, you’ll have to try another way to control me.

HIGGINS. That’s not how it is at all. Five minutes ago you were like a millstone round my neck. Now you're a tower of strength, a mallee bull. Don’t you see?  You and I and Pickering could be three academic colleagues, instead of two sad old men and a silly girl.

[Mrs. Higgins returns]

MRS. HIGGINS. The taxi is waiting, Eliza. Are you ready?

ELIZA. Quite ready. Is the Professor coming with us?

MRS. HIGGINS. Certainly not! He can't behave himself in a church. He comments out loud all the time about the clergyman's pronunciation.

ELIZA. Well, then I shan’t see you again, Professor Higgins. Goodbye. 

[Eliza goes to the door].

MRS. HIGGINS. Goodbye, Henry dear.

HIGGINS. Goodbye, mother. [cheerfully] Oh, by the way, Eliza, on your way into town can you pick up my new Athena Parthenos from the auctioneers?  I need to catalogue it before it goes into my collection.

ELIZA. [disdainfully] You will have to do that yourself. 

[Eliza leaves].

MRS. HIGGINS. I'm afraid you've lost that girl, Henry. But never mind dear, I'll pick up your statue.

HIGGINS. [sunnily] Oh no, don't bother mother. Eliza will do it…[pause] she knows what’s best for her. 

[Mrs. Higgins goes out. Higgins jingles his keys and chuckles smugly then hums ‘the rain in spain’.]