Fourth Wheel Theatre
Fourth Wheel Theatre
You Can't Take it With You
Grandpa VanderHof and his wacky family, the Mallees, have been happily living their zany lives in his house in Perth for many years. This family (and their friends) are a madcap group of eccentrics, marching to the beat of their own drum, with pride and joy. Their hobbies include playing the xylophone, building fireworks in the cellar, writing a myriad of plays that never get published, and taking ballet lessons. Things like stress, jobs, and paying taxes to the government are for other people, not for them! But when practical young Alice Mallee becomes engaged to her company’s Vice President Tony Connell, the VanderHof/Mallee clan must straighten up to meet the new in-laws. Disaster ensues when the Connells arrive on the wrong day and, despite the best laid plans, see Alice’s family in all of its crazy glory. The evening ends with everyone in the house getting arrested, and Alice ending the engagement. It isn’t until Grandpa’s wise speech to Mr. Connell about the importance of living life to the fullest that the two families find a way to accept each other, and love conquers all.
The original production of the play premiered at the Chestnut Street Opera House in Philadelphia, on November 30, 1936. The play won the 1937 Pulitzer Prize for Drama and was adapted for the screen as You Can't Take It with You in 1938, which won the Academy Award for Best Picture.
This production is set in 1987 in Perth, Western Australia during the era of “WA Inc”.
The Cast were as follows…
* 1st Associate, Isabelle.
* Sarge, Helen C.
* 1st Secretary, Annie.
* 2nd Associate, Malcolm.
* Johnno, Fiona W.
* 2nd Secretary, Amanda.
* Alice Mallee, Annie.
* Anthony P Connell, Stephen.
* Ed Carmichael, Caro.
* Essie Carmichael, Isabelle.
* Grandpa VanderHof, Malcolm.
* John Porteous, Helen P.
* Maggie O'Neill, Amanda.
* Miriam Connell, Fiona M.
* Mr. Iraklidis, Helen C.
* Mr. Kolenkhov, Fiona W.
* Narrator, Fiona M.
* Night Court Judge, Ian.
* Penny Mallee, Helen P.
* Mr. Poppins, Ian.
* Removalist, John.
* Tony Connell, John.
* Wilbur G Henderson, Stephen.
This production was Directed and Produced by Tim.
Characters
Penelope Mallee
Usually goes by Penny, Penelope is the mother of Essie and Alice and daughter of Martin. She writes plays and paints as hobbies because it makes her happy, but is terrible at both. Penny is a loving mother and wife who is constantly concerned with the welfare of her family. Her main goal is to make sure everyone is happy, particularly her daughter Alice. She is a main character.
Essie Carmichael
Wife of Ed, daughter of Penny and Granddaughter of Martin, sister of Alice. She is childlike and a good cook. As a hobby she makes chocolates that Ed sells. Essie dreams of being a ballerina. She has spent 8 years studying with Boris Kolenkhov, but is still a terrible dancer.
Ed Carmichael
Husband of Essie, son-in-law of Penny. He is a xylophone player, and distributes Essie's chocolates. Ed is an amateur printer who prints anything that sounds 'catchy' to him. He prints up dinner menus for his family and communist pamphlets that he places in the boxes of Essie's chocolates.
Martin VanderHof
Referred to mostly as Grandpa in the play. Father of Penny, grandfather of Alice and Essie. He is an eccentric happy old man who has never paid his income tax because he doesn't believe in it, as he feels that the government wouldn't know what to do with the money if he paid it. Once a very successful businessman, he left his job 35 years prior for no reason other than to just relax. He lives his life by the philosophy "don't do anything that you're not going to enjoy doing". He goes to circuses, commencements, throws darts, and collects stamps. He is a main character.
Alice Mallee
Fiancée of Tony Connell, daughter of Paul and Penny, granddaughter of Martin, sister of Essie. She is the only "normal" member of the extended family. She has an office job, and is rather embarrassed by the eccentricities of her family when she has Tony and his parents at her house, yet she still loves them. She tends to be a pessimist.
Mr Iraklidis
The milk man from Greece who came inside to speak to Grandpa eight years before and never left. He builds fireworks in the cellar, and moonlights as a model in Penny Mallee's paintings. Has a strong Greek-Ozzie accent.
Wilbur C. Henderson
An employee of the Australian Taxation Office. He comes to collect the tax money owed by Grandpa, and can't understand why the latter won't pay income tax.
Tony Connell
Fiancé of Alice, son of Mr. and Mrs. Connell. He has a quirky sense of humour and sees how, even though the Mallees appear odd, they are really the perfect family because they love and care about each other. His own family is very proper and has many issues none of them will admit. He is vice president of Connell and Son but has ambitions to be a grass scientist.
Boris Kolenkhov
A Russian who escaped to America shortly before the Russian Revolution. He is very concerned with world politics, and the deterioration of Russia. He is the ballet instructor of Essie, aware that she is untalented at dancing, but knows that she enjoys dancing so he keeps working with her. He admires the ancient Greeks and the Romans, questions society, and is interested in world affairs.
Anthony W. Connell
Husband of Mrs. Connell, father of Tony. He is a very proper man who is president of Connell and Son. He inherited the business from his father and secretly despises his job. His hobby is raising expensive orchids. He is also a member of the Jockey Club, the Weld Club, and the Australian Labor Party.
Miriam Connell
Wife of Mr. Connell, mother of Tony. She is an extremely prim and snobbish woman and is horrified by the goings-on in the Mallee household.
Maggie O’Neill
Neighbour of Grandpa
Mr. Poppins
The mild-mannered clerk for Porteous who secretly makes animated toys and is full of imaginative ideas.
John Porteous
Connell’s Real Estate Broker. He is forced into immoral actions by Connell’s determination to buy Grandpa’s house.
Guard
Prison guard for night court
Policeman 1 ("Sarge”), Policeman 2 ("Johnno”)
Two cops who come to investigate Ed because of the communist origin of some of the 'catchy' quotes he printed and placed in Essie's chocolate boxes.
Associate 1, Associate 2
Executive “yes” men for Mr Connell
Secretary 1
Secretary for Mr Connell
Secretary 2
Secretary for John Porteous
Removalist
The furniture remover who begrudgingly empties Grandpa’s
ACT ONE (December 20th 1987)
MFX: A BREEZY INTRO ... THEN IN BG, OUT AT [X]
NARRATOR: The fifty-seventh floor of the Connell Building, tallest and most impressive structure in Perth. On a door opposite the elevator is a brass plate bearing the legend "Anthony P. Connell and Son, Bankers" and behind seven other doors marked "Private" is the inner sanctum of the great Connell himself. The famous entrepreneur cannot be disturbed just now. With his son Tony and a small group of associates, he's engaged in the ceremonial dance of modern business -- a very important conference. [X]
Act One Scene One – Offices of Connell and Son
A week before Christmas
CONNELL: Gentlemen, we're going ahead exactly as planned! Our company will be the largest individual corporation in the world! (WITH EMPHASIS) Particularly with Bond lined up!
1ST ASSOCIATE: Why, we'd control the whole market!
CONNELL: Exactly, gentlemen.
2ND ASSOCIATE: But, A. C., Bond would never permit himself to be absorbed by anybody.
CONNELL: Oh, won't he? Earlier this year, Bond floated a new issue, didn't he? What for? For expansion, new production facilities! All right. Where's he going to build these new production facilities? I own every twelve square blocks completely surrounding his factories!
1ST ASSOCIATE: You own them?
2ND ASSOCIATE: We didn't know anything about that, A. C.
CONNELL: Of course, you didn't! Nobody knew! The Porteous Real Estate Company's been buying it for me -- a piece at a time. But my name was kept out of it.
1ST ASSOCIATE: That's brilliant, A. C.
CONNELL: So you see, gentlemen, we can proceed without any trouble. Well, you know what to do. Come on, get busy.
BIZ: ASSOCIATES AD LIB ("Yes, sir" ... "We'll get right onto it" ... "Goodbye, A. C.") ... FADES
SOUND: OFFICE DOOR CLOSES
SFX: INTERCOM CLICK
CONNELL: Oh, yes -- get me Mr. Porteous on the phone.
1ST SECRETARY: Yes, sir.
CONNELL: Well, Tony, how does it feel to be a vice-president?
TONY: Well, it's been painless enough so far, Dad.
CONNELL: Hm. You talk as if you were having a tooth out.
TONY: (GOOD NATURED) Look, Dad, maybe sometime when you've got a week or two off you can sort of let me in on what the banking business is all about, huh?
CONNELL: Oh, now, now, don't give up, Tony. Let me just say that what we do, it's… complicated, but—I’m sure you'll get used to it. Just like I did. Now, how has your mother been since her last therapy session?
TONY: Oh, she - she's fine. Said she'd drop in later.
SFX: INTERCOM CLICK
1ST SECRETARY: Mr. Porteous is on the line, sir.
CONNELL: Good, good! Hello? Hello, Porteous?
PORTEOUS: (FILTERED) Hello, A. C.
CONNELL: How's it going, Porteous? You got that property yet?
PORTEOUS: (FILTERED) Well, I'm having a little trouble, A. C. I've got all twelve blocks in the street except one -- twenty-five metre front -- and the bastard won't sell.
CONNELL: (EXPLODES) Well, make him sell! Those twelve blocks are useless unless I can buy every one!
FX: VOICES FADE FROM CONNELL TO PORTEOUS OFFICES
PORTEOUS: (CHANGES TO STRAIGHT MIKE DURING SPEECH) Well, I'm trying, A. C., but the old duffer's playing silly buggers. I offered him fifty grand yesterday and he turned it down! I tried to get him in here today to talk some sense into him, but I don't know.
CONNELL: (FILTERED) You don't know?! You listen to me! I don't want any excuses! I want that house! And remember this, Porteous! Unless you buy the whole twelve properties, you won't get a brass razoo of commission! Do whatever it takes.
SFX: CLICK OF RECEIVER ON OTHER END
Act One Scene Two – Offices of Porteous Real Estate
PORTEOUS: But, Mr. Connell--
SFX: SECOND RECEIVER DOWN
PORTEOUS: (SIGHS TO HIMSELF) Jeez. He’s as mad as a cut snake for sure. I have got to get that property or I’ll be cactus. But how do you force a man to sell his home.
When I personally offered him fifty thousand in cash, I was gobsmacked by the whole family’s reaction. Someone began typing, someone else danced, and Grandpa VanderHof himself sat down and played his bloody mouth organ. A mouth organ! What are those people, two chops short of a barbie I’d say?
SFX: INTERCOM BUZZES
2nd SECRETARY: Yes, alright. I’ll let him know. (PAUSE) Grandpa VanderHof is here, Mr. Porteous.
PORTEOUS: (DELIGHTED) Oh, VanderHof? Well, send him right in! No, no, no. No. Have him wait.
2nd SECRETARY: Yes, sir.
PORTEOUS: (WITH A CHUCKLE) Let him sweat a little.
2nd SECRETARY: Psychology, eh?
PORTEOUS: It never fails. (FADES)
SOUND: FADE IN ON MONOTONOUS RHYTHM OF AN ADDING MACHINE IN THE OUTSIDE OFFICE
2nd SECRETARY: Mr. VanderHof, Mr. Porteous will see you in just a minute.
GRANDPA: Huh? Oh, that's OK. I'm in no hurry. Now, what’s going on over here?
SOUND: ADDING MACHINE LOUDER
GRANDPA: (FRIENDLY) G’day Mate. What’re you doing with that machine?
POPPINS: (STARTLED) Huh? Oh. Why, this is an adding machine.
SOUND: MACHINE STOPS
POPPINS: Oh, damn, made a mistake. (UNHAPPILY) First time in twenty years. (CLICKS HIS TONGUE)
GRANDPA: I suppose that calls for the building to collapse, hey? What do you have to do that for?
POPPINS: Well, I - I - I have to add up these figures and see if they check against these - other figures.
GRANDPA: Why? I mean, do you like it? This type of work?
POPPINS: Oh, well, no. (SUDDENLY FRIGHTENED) But I shouldn’t knock it. It’s a job after all!
GRANDPA: If you don’t like it what do you do it for? What would you rather do?
POPPINS: Er, err, rather do? Why, I, err -- I make up things.
GRANDPA: Like Stories? … Plays for the radio?
POPPINS: Oh, no, no. Not those. I make up real things. Gadgets.
GRANDPA: Oh, I see. Got anything here I can have a squizz at?
POPPINS: (ENTHUSIASTIC) Well, look back here behind the desk. See? This is one of the things I made up. The chicken comes out of the cage ...
MFX: TINKLING MUSIC BOX (CLUCKING)
POPPINS: ... looks around. ... Then it goes back.
MFX: STOPS
GRANDPA: That’s kinda cute. Good onya mate. Seems to me, Mister, er--?
POPPINS: Poppins.
GRANDPA: Seems to me, Mr. Poppins, that's the sort of thing you should be doin' all the time.
POPPINS: (SIGHS) Yes. Well, maybe someday when I win Lotto.
GRANDPA: There’s plenty of folks waiting for those numbers, Mr. Poppins. Meanwhile, they don't have any fun. Look, how would you like to come over to our house for a while and work on your gadgets?
POPPINS: Over to your house?
GRANDPA: Yea, why not give it a whirl? Our milkman, Mr Iraklidis actually wanted to make fireworks, and he’s been making them down in our cellar for years. We have a rule. Over at our place, everybody does exactly what he wants to do.
POPPINS: Really? That sounds wonderful, but-- How do you live? Who takes care of you?
GRANDPA: The same one who takes care of the lilies of the field, Mr. Poppins. If you like, you can come over and be a lily, too. ... Hey, let's see that chook thing again?
POPPINS: Well-- (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) All right.
MFX: TINKLING MUSIC, CONTINUES IN BG
GRANDPA: It's a truly wonderful invention, Mr. Poppins. And you must have had fun makin' it, too.
PORTEOUS: (OFF A LITTLE) Poppins! Poppins!
POPPINS: Oh, dear, it's Mr. Porteous.
MFX: STOPS
PORTEOUS: (FADES IN, FURIOUS) What's all this?! What's going on here?
POPPINS: Well, you see, sir-- This gentleman--
GRANDPA: Mr. Poppins was showing me his invention, that's all.
PORTEOUS: (SUDDEN CHARM) Oh, Mr. VanderHof. Well, well, well, come in. Come right into my office.
GRANDPA: Thanks, Mr. Porteous, but I am just leaving.
PORTEOUS: (TAKEN ABACK) Leaving? (NERVOUSLY STUTTERING) What are you talking about?
GRANDPA: Say, that's a bad twitch in your eye. You look like you’ve been working too hard. You should take a break. Maybe go to the beach!
PORTEOUS: Mr. VanderHof, if it's all the same, let's quit playing games. I am a very busy man.
GRANDPA: Then I don't want to hold you up. Bye, Mr. Porteous!
PORTEOUS: Look, look! I have a check here for a hundred thousand dollars -- made out to you!
GRANDPA: You don't say? (LOW, POINTED) Look out for that twitch, Mr. Porteous. (MORE CHEERFUL) Coming, Poppins?
POPPINS: I - I - I'd like to. But I - I don't think--
PORTEOUS: You, you, Poppins! This is all your fault! You and your shonky toys! Get this thing out of my office!
SFX: TOY SMASHED
POPPINS: Oh! You’ve broken it. You broke my-- (TO GRANDPA) Hold on, Mr. VanderHof. I - I'll get my hat.
PORTEOUS: If you leave now, Poppins, you needn't come back!
POPPINS: (STILL TIMID BUT DEFIANT) I don't intend to! Mr. Porteous, it’s a done deal! From now on, I - I'm - I'm a lily! ...
GRANDPA: Ripper! Grab that chook and come with me Mr Poppins!
MFX: BRISK BRIDGE
Act One Scene Three – the VanderHof home
SFX: FRONT DOOR OPENS
GRANDPA: Come right in, Mr. Poppins.
POPPINS: Thank you.
ESSIE: (OFF) Hello, Grandpa, that you?
SFX: DOOR CLOSES
GRANDPA: Mr. Poppins, this is my granddaughter, Essie. Makes the best chocolates in Australia. Essie, you better set another place for dinner. Mr. Poppins here is going to stay with us for a while.
ESSIE: Cool! G’Day, Mr. Poppins? Would you like to try a Love Dream?
GRANDPA: Not just now Essie. Just put your hat over there, Mr. Poppins. (FADES) I'll show you where the cellar is.
ESSIE: (FADES) Mother! (OFF) Mother!
SOUND: TYPEWRITER, FADING IN, ONE FINGER METHOD
ESSIE: (FADES IN) Mother, will you please taste a Love Dream for me?
PENNY: I don't think I can now, Essie, I'm busy with my play. And should you be making chocolates today? It's so hot.
ESSIE: Well, Ed’s been out and got a shedload of new orders.
PENNY: If this keeps up, you'll be opening your own shop soon, dear.
ESSIE: That's what Ed was saying last night, but I said no. I want to be a dancer. (PAUSE) Have you finished the second act yet, Mother?
SOUND: TYPEWRITER STOPS
PENNY: Oh, no, Essie. It is very confusing. I've now got Cynthia entering a seminary.
ESSIE: Seminary? She was singing in the Worker’s Club last I heard.
PENNY: Well, she gets bored of the Worker’s Club, and there's this seminary down the road, so she goes there.
ESSIE: Cool! I bet she can show them a thing or two! ...
SOUND: CELLAR DOOR OPENS, OFF
PENNY: Ah Mr Iraklidis, how are things down in the cellar?
IRAKLIDIS: Look, Mrs Mallee, my new firework! I just got then. I think we can sell them for ten cents a pop -- and they pop like this. Watch!
SFX: STRING OF SMALL FIREWORKS POPS ... OUT AT [X]
IRAKLIDIS: Pretty sweet, eh?
PENNY: You are such a larrikin Mr Iraklidis! And yes, they are impressive.
SFX: FRONT DOOR OPENS, OFF
ED: (OFF) Hey, Essie!
SFX: FRONT DOOR CLOSES, OFF
ESSIE: (CALLS) Here I am, Ed! Well, did you deliver the chocolates?
ED: (FADES IN) Sure did and how is my beautiful wife this fine afternoon?
ESSIE: Who? Me? I’m on top of the world.
ED: I couldn't wait to get home and try something new on my xylophone. Wait until you hear this tune. It's been bugging me all day. Listen.
MFX: XYLOPHONE ... KOOKABURRA
ESSIE: Oh, that’s cool, Ed. Did you make it up yourself?
ED: No. Men At Work.
ESSIE: Well, its got a lot of you in it. And of course, no-one owns a common tune like that! I’m sure they wouldn’t mind you playing it. (FADES) It makes me feel like practicing my dancing. (HUMS, OFF)
MFX: XYLOPHONE FADES TO BACKGROUND
GRANDPA: (FADES IN) Come on, Mr. Poppins. Come on in and meet the rest of the family. Folks, this is Mr. Poppins. You know Essie. The fellow playing the xylophone is Ed, he's her husband. And this is Mr. Iraklidis, he was our milkman. Now he livens up our day with incendiary devices.
POPPINS: How do you do?
IRAKLIDIS: Very pleased to know you.
GRANDPA: And over here is my daughter, Penny.
POPPINS: How do you do?
MFX: XYLOPHONE COMES TO FINISH
PENNY: Hello. Were you ever in a seminary, Mr. Poppins?
POPPINS: No, I never have been.
GRANDPA: What's the matter, Penny? Writer’s block?
PENNY: Well, I've got her in a seminary and she doesn’t want to come out.
GRANDPA: (PAUSE CHANGE OF SUBJECT) Say, where's Alice? Isn't she coming home for dinner?
PENNY: She didn't say. I think she ought to stop working in that hat shop. They make her stay so late.
GRANDPA: Why, Penny. She hasn't worked there for over five months.
PENNY: Really?
GRANDPA: She works for some bankers now…
PENNY: (SHOCKED Father! That isn’t nice. Just because they overwork her at the shop.
GRANDPA: I said BANKERS… Connell and Son. She works for the son.
PENNY: Bankers! Now, that’s nice. (CALLS) Essie! Essie!
ESSIE: (FADES IN) Yes, Mother.
PENNY: Essie, will you please phone Alice at her work and ask if she's coming home for dinner?
GRANDPA: Remember, that's at Connell and Son, Essie.
SFX: PHONE DIALED
ESSIE: Yeah, I know.
PENNY: Yes, she works for the son. (FADES) Now where was I in my play? (STUDIO FADE OUT)
SFX: FADE IN PHONE RINGING ... CONTINUES IN BG
Act One Scene Four – the Offices of Connell and Son (Tony’s Office)
ALICE: (IN AN EMBRACE WITH THE BOYFRIEND) Tony ... Tony, dear?
TONY: Yes, Alice?
ALICE: Tony, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't that the phone ringing?
TONY: Say, that's strange. Now, I thought I heard something. Voices in my ear. Voices that say, "If you don't kiss Alice Mallee right away, you're a dill!"
ALICE: (LAUGHING) Tony, please! This is a business office!
SFX: RINGING OUT, RECEIVER UP
ALICE: Hello, Mr. Anthony Connell Junior's office. ... Oh, hello, Essie. ... Wait. (TO TONY) Mother wants to know if I'll be home for dinner.
TONY: Oh, definitely not.
ALICE: (INTO PHONE) The man says no, Essie.
TONY: (MOVES IN CLOSE, WHISPERS) Darling! Darling!
ALICE: (LAUGHS) Tony, stop that. (INTO PHONE) Essie, tell Mother I love her as much as ever, but a young vice-president has me in his power!
TONY: (LAUGHS)
ALICE: Tony, don't!
TONY: Well, I was only kissing the back of the neck.
ALICE: (LAUGHS, INTO PHONE) Yes, Essie, of course, I'm struggling! (LAUGHS) Tony, don't!
SFX: OFFICE DOOR OPENS
MRS. CONNELL: (FADING IN ... COOL) Tony.
ALICE: (STOPS LAUGHING, INHALES SHARPLY)
MRS. CONNELL: (VERY COOL) Good evening, dear.
ALICE: (EMBARRASSED WHISPER) Oh!
TONY: (EMBARRASSED) Mother. (FEEBLY) Oh, uh, hello - Mother. Won't you sit down or something?
MRS. CONNELL: No, I - I see you're busy. (EXTREMELY COOL) If you don't mind, I think I'll go and see your father. (FADES) Excuse me, dear.
SFX: OFFICE DOOR CLOSES
ALICE: (INTO PHONE) Goodbye, Essie. I've got to hang up now. Something just hit the fan.
SFX: RECEIVER DOWN
ALICE: Tony, would you mind handing me the job ads section of that paper?
TONY: (CHUCKLES, LIGHTLY) Oh, I'm sorry, Alice. I had no idea my mother was going to walk in like that.
ALICE: No, I guess you didn't. Well, I'd better go home.
TONY: Now, wait a minute. I want to tell you something. Last night I informed that irate lady that was just in here that - that I was gonna marry you.
ALICE: (PLEASED) That’s funny Tony! I don't remember you mentioning it to me.
TONY: Well, you didn't ask me.
ALICE: Did you see the way she looked at me? I know just what she was thinking.
TONY: Oh, listen, there seems to be a general impression around here that the Connells are stuck up or something. But that isn’t me. My oldies are just putty in my hands. I can get whatever want… if I whinge long enough. It’s worked like a charm ever since I was a baby. Here! I'll give you an idea! … "WAA”, “WAA”
ALICE: Tony! (HALF LAUGHING AND CRYING) Oh, you are a dag --!
TONY: Sure. And there's one small detail I forgot to mention. (GENUINE) I love you, Alice. I love you very much.
ALICE: (LOVINGLY) Oh, Tony ... Tony ...
MFX: ROMANTIC BRIDGE
Act One Scene Five – the VanderHof home
MFX: ROMANTIC BRIDGE ... CHANGES TO TINKLING MUSIC BOX (KOOKABURRA)...
POPPINS: (OVER MUSIC) There you are. Do you like it, Mr. Iraklidis?
IRAKLIDIS: Why, I think it's marvellous! The Kookaburra swoops of the branch and steal the sausage…. And you made it in just the two days you've been here?
POPPINS: Well, I - I had the parts, you see. And this is a wonderful place to work.
IRAKLIDIS: (FADES IN) Hey, Mr. Poppins.
POPPINS: Yes?
IRAKLIDIS: My new fireworks are gonna be the best I’ve ever made. But I need a name for them … something new and big with plenty of flash. You are good with the English. Do you have any ideas?
POPPINS: Er, let me see. Er, I know! Nuclear Reaction! Plenty of fireworks there!
IRAKLIDIS: Why, that's brilliant, Mr. Poppins. (CALLS) What do you think of it, Ed? Nuclear Reaction!
ED: (FADES IN) Yea, I think it's a ripper. You do have some beaut ideas, Mr. Poppins. Mr Irakldis, would you like me to set up some some advertising flyers on my printing press?
POPPINS: Yes, and we can put them in Essie’s chocolate boxes, so people who buy chocolates will also buy your fireworks!
ED: Say, that's a great idea! How does this sound? "Watch for the Fallout! It's Coming Soon!"
POPPINS: Excellent!
IRAKLIDIS: I have also have many of my small fireworks left. You could advertise them, too!
POPPINS: Yes. We can continue the theme and call them “warheads”.
ED: OK! How’s this… "A nuclear reaction is coming! Get your warheads from Carmichael’s!"
IRAKLIDIS: Yes, that is… (PAUSE) grouse!
SFX: FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, QUICKLY
ALICE: (OFF A LITTLE) Hello, everybody!
SFX: DINNER BELL RINGING
BIZ: IRAKLIDIS AND POPPINS AD LIB HELLOS
ALICE: Hear ye! Hear ye! Hear ye!
ESSIE: Don't ring that dinner bell yet, Alice! It isn’t even half cooked!
ALICE: Gather 'round everybody! It's the Town Crier herself! It’s not dinner. I have an announcement to make!
PENNY: (FADES IN) Alice! Alice, dear, what's the matter?
ALICE: Oh, it's wonderful, Mother! Listen! A young man is going to call on me in exactly twenty minutes!
ESSIE: Who, Alice? What's his name?
ALICE: Mr. Anthony Connell, Junior.
ESSIE: Connell! Why, that's your boss' son!
PENNY: Oh, yes! The Son in Connell and Son.
GRANDPA: (FADES IN) Hey, hey, what's all the excitement?
ALICE: Grandpa, I've had a proposal from Tony Connell -- and he's coming here tonight.
PENNY: A proposal! Well, why didn't you say?
ALICE: And, Mother, please, I want him to take us in easy doses, so please don't read him any plays on his first visit because I like him. And - and, Essie, I wouldn't dance for him if I were you, because we're going to the WA Ballet later. (FADES) Well, now I've got to dress. Bye!
BIZ: ALL AD LIB EXCITEDLY ("I hope he's all right," et cetera) ... STUDIO FADE
Act One Scene Six – the VanderHof home (Alice’s room)
SFX: FADE IN KNOCKING ON DOOR
ALICE: (MUFFLED) Come in.
SFX: ROOM DOOR OPENS
GRANDPA: Hello.
ALICE: Hello, Grandpa. Sit down.
GRANDPA: Thanks. Well, Alice. Do you love him?
ALICE: Love him? Oh, I-- Oh, I--
GRANDPA: (CHUCKLES) Can't even talk about him, hey?
ALICE: Not rationally.
GRANDPA: Who's asking you to be rational? Listen, when I first went out with your grandmother, it took me two years to propose. Know why? The moment she'd walk into the room, my knees'd buckle, and the blood would rush to my head, and the walls would start dancing. Up until the end, I couldn't look at her without my heart chucking a wobbly… thump, thump, thump.
ALICE: (LAUGHS GENTLY)
GRANDPA: That's why I've stayed in this house so many years -- and never could move. It would be like - like moving away from your Grandma.
ALICE: (TOUCHED) Oh, Grandpa. I feel that way about Tony, too.
GRANDPA: If you do, then I reckon it'll all be apples.
ALICE: Look. I - I saw this in the shops and thought you might like it.
SFX: RUSTLING PAPER
GRANDPA: Well, bless my soul. A new harmonica! Top shelf, too. I think I’ll go and have a blow.
MFX: STARTS TO PLAY HARMONICA ("AMAZING GRACE"), FADES
SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS, OFF
MFX: XYLOPHONE STARTS, OFF
ALICE: (CALLS) That's the door! He's here now! (FADES) Tell him I'll be right there, Grandpa!
SFX: FADE DOOR BELL IN
Act One Scene Seven – the VanderHof home
MFX: XYLOPHONE FADES IN WITH BELL, BUT KEEP OFF
ESSIE: (OFF) That is beautiful, Ed!
PENNY: (FADES IN) Ed, Ed, stop playing! I think I heard the doorbell!
MFX: XYLOPHONE STOPS
SFX: DOORBELL
PENNY: And remember, everybody, be nice! It's Alice's young man!
SFX: FRONT DOOR OPENS
PENNY: Hello, I'm Alice's mother, Penny. Come in and meet the family.
HENDERSON: (CONFUSED) I'm afraid there's been a mistake. My name is Henderson.
PENNY: Henderson? But I thought it was Connell.
HENDERSON: I am Wilbur G. Henderson, Australian Taxation Office. I'm looking for a Martin VanderHof.
GRANDPA: (OFF) Right, here. Come in Mr Henderson.
HENDERSON: Thank you.
GRANDPA: (FADES IN) Park yourself over here.
SFX: FRONT DOOR CLOSES, OFF
HENDERSON: Thank you. Mr. VanderHof, the Government wants to talk to you about the small matter of income tax.
GRANDPA: Income tax?
HENDERSON: Now, Mr. VanderHof, we have written you several letters about this and had no reply. According to our records--
SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS
PENNY: Oh! That must be Tony Connell now. I'll get it! (FADES) Excuse me!
SFX: FRONT DOOR OPEN
HENDERSON: Uh--
PENNY: (OFF) Come in, Mr. Connell.
TONY: (OFF) Thanks.
SFX: FRONT DOOR CLOSES
GRANDPA: Hello, son! Pleased to meet you.
TONY: Thank you, sir.
ALICE: (FAR OFF) Mother?! Is that Tony?
PENNY: (CALLS) Yes, dear! And he's lovely! ...
GRANDPA: Sit down, son, sit down. Make yourself at home.
TONY: Oh, thank you very much.
HENDERSON: (ANNOYED) Now Mr. VanderHof, I hope you'll excuse me, but I've got to be going.
GRANDPA: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Well drop in again sometime, maybe stay for dinner next time?
HENDERSON: If you don't mind, I'd like to get my business over before I go.
GRANDPA: Oh?
HENDERSON: Mr. VanderHof, our records show that you have never paid any income tax.
GRANDPA: That's right.
HENDERSON: Why not?
GRANDPA: I don't believe in it. ...
HENDERSON: (AGHAST) You don't believe in it!
GRANDPA: No, sir.
HENDERSON: Well, whether you believe in it or not, you owe the Government twenty-two years' back income taxes!
GRANDPA: Yes? Now, look, Mr. Henderson. What if I pay you the money? Not that I'm going to, but just for the sake of argument. What do I get for my money?
HENDERSON: Get? Why - why, you get everything!
GRANDPA: What is that precisely?
HENDERSON: Well-- Well, everything! Look at Parliament House and the Lower House and the Senate. We've got to pay all the buildings and politicians, haven't we?
GRANDPA: Not with my money. No, sir. ...
HENDERSON: Now, listen--!
ALICE: (FADES IN) Well, here I am. Hello, Tony.
TONY: Hello, Alice.
ALICE: I hope you all got acquainted.
PENNY: Oh, yes. I think you two will make such a lovely couple!
ALICE: (GENTLY ADMONISHES) Mother.
HENDERSON: (INCREASINGLY UNHINGED) Look, Mr. VanderHof, there are no two ways about it. You have got to pay your taxes.
GRANDPA: Why is that?
HENDERSON: I said you will have to pay it!
GRANDPA: Well, they've got to show me what I get, before I stump up my dough.
HENDERSON: They don't have to show you! I just told you! (TRIES TO BE REASONABLE) Look. Who's going to pay for all those public servants in Canberra? And Interstate Commerce? And the Constitution?
GRANDPA: The Constitution was paid for long ago. And Interstate Commerce-- What is Interstate Commerce anyway?
HENDERSON: (MURDEROUS CALM) Oh, look. There are six states and two territories, aren’t there? And if it weren't for Interstate Commerce, nothing could get from one state to another, see?
GRANDPA: Why not? Have they got fences? ...
HENDERSON: (EXPLODES) For fu…., crying out loud!! No, they haven't got fences! But they have got laws! (BESIDE HIMSELF) Oh, give me strength, I have never heard such a dingbat excuse!
GRANDPA: (GRUDGING) Well, I might pay you about (BLOWS THROUGH HIS LIPS) seventy-five bucks, but that's all I reckon it's worth.
HENDERSON: Mr VanderHof I am afraid you will have pay every cent of it, like everybody else. And if you think you can avoid the paying your taxes, you’ve got Buckley’s.
SFX: LOUD FIRECRACKER EXPLOSIONS FROM BELOW ... OUT AT [X]
HENDERSON: (SHRIEKS, UNNERVED) Jeezus Christ! What was that?! What's that?! (FADES) Let me out of this place! Let me out here! Let me out here! [X]
SFX: FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, QUICKLY
ALICE: (NERVOUS) You see, Tony, our lodger, Mr Iraklidis makes fireworks in the cellar.
TONY: (GOOD NATURED) Oh. Look, I hope you don't get into any trouble, Mr. VanderHof.
GRANDPA: Not me. I don't owe the government a razoo.
PENNY: Alice dear, here's your coat.
ALICE: (TRYING TO RUSH) Thanks, Mother. Are you ready, Tony? We don’t want to be late.
SFX: FRONT DOOR FLUNG OPEN
KOLENKHOV: (RUSSIAN ACCENT, GRAND ENTRANCE) Hello, everybody!
ESSIE: (OFF A LITTLE) Mr. Kolenkhov!
ALICE: (MAKING THE BEST OF IT) Oh, Tony, you're just in time to meet Mr. Kolenkhov. He's Essie's dancing teacher.
KOLENKHOV: Ah, my little Alice! My little Alishka! Never have I seen you look so magnificent!
ALICE: (INTRODUCTION) Mr. Connell, Mr. Kolenkhov.
TONY: (AMUSED) How do you do?
KOLENKHOV: Aaah. I have a slight pain in the chest.
ESSIE: Oh, Mr. Kolenkhov, I practiced today!
KOLENKHOV: Ah! My Pavlowa! Uh, Comrade VanderHof, I am in time for dinner, no?
GRANDPA: Of course you are.
ALICE: If you'll pardon us, Mr. Kolenkhov. We're going out - to the WA Ballet.
KOLENKHOV: The WA Ballet? (PAUSE) It stinks!
ALICE: (AWKWARD) Yes. Well. (FADES) Goodbye, everybody!
TONY: (FADES, SINCERELY) Glad to have met you all. Goodbye!
SFX: DINNER BELL RINGS, OFF
PENNY: (CALLS) Dinner's ready everybody! Bog in!
SFX: CHAIRS BEING MOVED, ET CETERA
BIZ: ALL AD LIB EXCITEDLY. WE HEAR THE FOLLOWING...
KOLENKHOV: (OVERLAPS) Well, let me get my place right here, if you don't mind.
ESSIE: (OVERLAPS) Can you imagine our Alice marrying a Connell?! They’re just like Prince Andrew and Fergy! A fairytale couple who live happily ever after.
PENNY: (OVERLAPS) We can have the reception at the Bowlo!
SFX: TAPPING ON PLATE
GRANDPA: Quiet, everybody! Quiet!
BIZ: EVERYONE QUIETS
PENNY: Did you notice his manners, Essie?
ESSIE: (GENTLY) Quiet, ma. Grandpa's going to say grace.
MFX: TO SAY GRACE BY ... CONTINUES IN BG
GRANDPA: Well, Sir, we've all been getting along pretty well for quite a while now and we're pretty stoked about it. Looks like Alice is going to get hitched -- and I reckon she'll be happy, because we just met the boy You sent to her - and he seems dinky-di. Remember, all we ask is to keep going along the way we are and keep our health - and, as far as the rest is concerned, it’s Your call. Thank You.
BIZ: ALL AD LIB
KOLENKHOV: (OVERLAPS) Now, who has the pickles? Pickles, Mr. Poppins?
MFX: COVERS AD LIBS ... BUILDS TO A WARM FINISH
SFX: APPLAUSE
NARRATOR: The curtain falls on Act One of "You Can't Take It with You" and the course of romance promises to be rather stormy in the VanderHof household.
Act Two
MFX: BRIEF INTRO, THEN IN BG ... GENTLY OUT AT [X]
NARRATOR: It's later the same evening. Alongside King’s Park, skyscrapers send up a million lights to challenge the stars. But Alice and Tony, who found a secluded bench beneath the trees, are not concerned with the miracles of man or nature. Just now, they have eyes only for each other.
Act Two Scene One – the Park in the evening
ALICE: (SOBERLY) What are you thinking, Tony?
TONY: Thinking how much better this is than going to the ballet.
ALICE: Well, what are you really thinking -- about my family? It's not a family you can just ignore.
TONY: (CHUCKLES) No, it isn't. You know, I think they're great. They seem to do just whatever they want to do.
ALICE: Yes. Grandpa started doing that thirty-five years ago. He was a very successful architect. Then one day he suddenly gave it all up. He got into the lift at his office, then came right out again and never went back. He said he wasn't having any fun.
TONY: Well, that's exactly what I mean.
ALICE: And Mother. Do you know why Mother writes plays? She used to paint portraits and then two years ago a typewriter was delivered to the house by mistake. So she started writing plays instead!
TONY: (LAUGHS) Well, now I know why you're so different! You know, I suspect your family could be the answer to what is wrong with our society. People spend their lives dreaming of adventures or romance or creating things, yet they don’t believe they can make it happen. You know, at Uni, a mate and I had an idea-- Oh, uh, do you mind if I talk about myself?
ALICE: I love it.
TONY: Well, we had an idea how to utilize the energy in grass. Y'know, grass -- just like this. Did you know that every blade of grass has an energetic force that has never been used for anything?
ALICE: No.
TONY: Oh, yes. Well, we both worked on it full time. Every spare moment. All night sometimes. We'd get so excited, we'd forget to sleep. And -- well -- then we left school. Now he's selling cars and I'm in some mysterious thing called Banking.
ALICE: Tony, why don't you--?
TONY: No, don't - don't say it. Don't say it. I know what you're thinking. But "the Connells come from a long line of bankers -- and the line simply must not be broken." Christ, that's been banged into my brain until I’m flummoxed!
ALICE: Oh, that's crazy, Tony. You're still young and there's plenty of time to decide about those things. Besides, I resent what you said about your brain. I think it's beautiful.
TONY: Do ya?
ALICE: Mm hm.
TONY: Wow, that's nice. Now tell me, uh, when do we get married?
ALICE: We aren't.
TONY: Oh, darling, I-- (THEN) What'd you say?
ALICE: I said, we aren’t getting married. At least not for a while.
TONY: Well, why?
ALICE: Because I've been thinking. We could save ourselves a lot of embarrassment later on if - if our two families could meet first.
TONY: Oh, so that's what's on your mind, eh?
ALICE: Mm hm. I want you to invite your parents to Christmas dinner at my house and they can meet my family.
TONY: Now, wait! I'm not gonna put you and your family on exhibition like freaks in a circus!
ALICE: I don't mind.
TONY: Well, I do.
ALICE: But it will be worth it if we get their approval. Oh, be sensible, Tony. They've centered their whole lives around you, made all sorts of plans. Suddenly I come along and everything's upset. Tony, there's no two ways about it. Your family has to meet mine!
TONY: All right. Wow. Christmas dinner. It's a date.
ALICE: (EXHALES WITH RELIEF)
MFX: HOPEFUL BRIDGE
Act Two Scene Two – the Connell home on Christmas Eve
SFX: ROOM DOOR OPENS
MRS. CONNELL: (FADES IN, IMPATIENT) Anthony! Aren't you dressed yet?
CONNELL: (GRUMPY) No, I'm not!
MRS. CONNELL: Well, hurry, dear. Tony said eight o'clock.
CONNELL: Look here, Miriam, are you serious about taking me on this slumming tour? And on Christmas Eve. Surely, we have had better invitations?
MRS. CONNELL: The more we fight Tony, the more he'll resist. It's the only thing to do.
CONNELL: Yes, but dinner in some awful--
MRS. CONNELL: That's just it. The girl is clearly from some dull suburban family. As soon as Tony sees us all together, he'll realize how impossible the situation is.
CONNELL: Ha! That, I take it, is what is known as being subtle?
MRS. CONNELL: Yes.
CONNELL: Oh, God only knows what we will have to eat. You know how sensitive my stomach is, Miriam!
MRS. CONNELL: They're sure to have some vegetables, Anthony.
CONNELL: Probably cooked. You know mine have got to be raw.
MRS. CONNELL: Anthony, please hurry! (FADES) They're expecting us at eight o'clock, and--
CONNELL: (FADES) All right, all right, give me a chance.
BIZ: TRANSITIONAL PAUSE
Act Two Scene Three – the VanderHof home
MFX: FADE IN HARMONICA PLAYING ... "TBD"
SFX: FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, OFF
ED: (FADES IN) Hey, Essie? Essie?
ESSIE: Yeah, Ed?
ED: Essie, take a look out the window and tell me if there's a man standing across the road.
MFX: HARMONICA STOPS
GRANDPA: What are you so stressed out about, Ed?
ED: There's a bloke been following me, Grandpa, the last few nights when I’ve been out delivering Essie’s chocolates.
GRANDPA: Maybe he wants a piece.
ED: Huh? ...
ESSIE: (OFF) I can’t see anybody, Ed.
ALICE: (FADES IN FAST, HAPPY) Wheeee!
SFX: THUD! ... AS ALICE HITS THE FLOOR
GRANDPA: (CALMLY) Someday, Alice, you're going to break your neck sliding down that bannister.
ALICE: Someday, I'm going to do it without holding. Essie, dear, you are going to do the catering tomorrow, aren't you? I’ll need your help.
ESSIE: Oh, yes. That's why I'm making all my Love Dreams now, so I'll be way ahead.
ALICE: Thank you so much. And, Mother, tomorrow night before the Connells come, will you have Ed put your typewriter and his xylophone down in the cellar?
PENNY: Certainly, dear. Essie, remind me.
GRANDPA: The Connells are certainly going to get the wrong impression of this house tomorrow night.
ALICE: (FADES, LAUGHING) Well, I'll be upstairs if anybody wants me.
IRAKLIDIS: (FADES IN) Oh, Mrs. Mallee.
PENNY: Yes, Mr. Iraklidis?
IRAKLIDIS: Look what I found in the cellar! Remember? Over eight years ago.
PENNY: Why, of course, Mr. Iraklidis. It's my painting of you as a discus thrower. Oh, I always meant to finish it, but I got started on my plays and never painted again.
GRANDPA: Ah, that’s just as well. I might have been the next one to pose....
PENNY: You know what? I think I'll finish your painting tonight. Is the costume still down in the cellar, Mr. Iraklidis?
IRAKLIDIS: Sure. Remember, we used the bath towel.
PENNY: You go an get it, Mr. Iraklidis, and (FADING) I'll go upstairs and get my palette and brushes!
IRAKLIDIS: (FADES, PLEASED) Oh, boy!
SFX: DOOR BELL RINGS
GRANDPA: (CALLS) Door, Essie!
ESSIE: (OFF) I'll answer it, Grandpa.
SFX: FRONT DOOR OPENS, OFF
ESSIE: (OFF) Hello, Mr. Ka-link-o!
KOLENKHOV: (FADES IN) Chorpt! Well, Comrade VanderHof, I am in time for dinner, no?
SFX: FRONT DOOR CLOSES, OFF
GRANDPA: Yes, sir, Mr. Kolenkhov, right on time.
KOLENKHOV: That is why I like to-- (WITHERINGLY) What is that thing? Is it a painting?
GRANDPA: That? It's a picture of Mr Iraklidis. Penny painted it.
KOLENKHOV: (PAUSE) It stinks! ...
GRANDPA: Let's see. (PAUSE) Er-- Yep. I guess it does. ...
ESSIE: (FADES IN AND OUT) Oh, Mr. Kolenkhov! I'll put on my dancing costume and be right down.
KOLENKHOV: Oh, my Pavlowa! (CALLS AFTER HER) You are like a beautiful swan!
GRANDPA: Is Essie actually making any progress in her dancing, Mr. Kolenkhov?
KOLENKHOV: (LOW) Well, er-- Confidentially, she stinks. ...
GRANDPA: (PAUSE, PHILOSOPHICAL) Well, as long as she's having fun.
PENNY: (FADES IN) Oh, hello, Mr. Kolenkhov. Oh, my, it feels so nice to use my art things again.
KOLENKHOV: Ah, Mrs. Mallee, you are like a breath of Paris.
PENNY: Oh, thank you. It's the beret does it, don't you think?
IRAKLIDIS: (FADES IN) I'm ready, Mrs. Mallee. Where're you gonna work?
PENNY: Right here, Mr Iraklidis.
IRAKLIDIS: The toga looks pretty good, eh?
PENNY: Well, all right now. Pose, Mr Iraklidis.
ESSIE: (FADES IN) All ready, Mr. Kolenkhov! (GIGGLES, PROUDLY) Voila! My new tutu!
KOLENKHOV: Good, Essie, good! And now, Ed, music, please. For tonight's lesson we use "The Dance of the Hours."
ED: (OFF) O-kay!
MFX: XYLOPHONE ... "THE DANCE OF THE HOURS" (“Hello Mother, Hello Father”) ... CONTINUES IN BG
KOLENKHOV: Now ready! We begin! One, two, three, four! Pir-ou-ette! Pir-ou-ette! (REPEATS, IN BG). One, two, three, four! A little freer! A little freer with the hands! The music must be freer, too. (CONTINUES COUNTING IN BG)
MFX: XYLOPHONE GETS A LITTLE FREER
SFX: DOOR BELL
ESSIE: I'll get it!
PENNY: Could you pull your stomach in a little, Mr Iraklidis?
SFX: DOOR OPEN, OFF
ESSIE: (FADES IN, FRANTICALLY) Mother! Mother!
PENNY: Go away, Essie, not now! Your stomach in a little more, Mr Iraklidis.
ESSIE: Mother! It's the Connells! They're here… for DINNER!
PENNY: (AGHAST) Oh! Oh, my!
KOLENKHOV: (STOPS COUNTING)
MFX: XYLOPHONE STOPS SUDDENLY
TONY: (CHEERFUL) Hello, everybody!
GRANDPA: Well! Good evening, Tony. Good evening. You're Mr. and Mrs. Connell, aren't you?
CONNELL: How do you do?
MRS. CONNELL: Are we too early?
GRANDPA: No, no, no. Sit right down and make yourself at home. It's perfectly all right.
PENNY: Why, yes! Only we thought it was for Christmas night… tomorrow.
CONNELL: Tomorrow night? (ADMONISHES) Tony!
TONY: (FEIGNED INNOCENCE) Well, that's funny. I - I - I thought--
CONNELL: Really, this is most embarrassing.
GRANDPA: Not at all, not at all. We’ve got nothing on tonight.
PENNY: Yes. Of course. We were just having a quiet evening at home.
GRANDPA: Now, don't let that bother you. This is Alice's mother, Alice's sister, Mrs. Carmichael, Mr. Carmichael and Mr. Kolenkhov.
BIZ: ALL AD LIB ("How do you do?" "Hello.")
GRANDPA: And oh, yes, the - the discus thrower is Mr Iraklidis.
MRS. CONNELL: How do you do?
IRAKLIDIS: Don't mind my costume. I will take it off. ...
MRS. CONNELL: Oh!
PENNY: (FLUSTERED) Perhaps in the cellar Mr. Iraklidis. Let me call Alice. (CALLS) Alice! Alice, dear!
ALICE: (OFF) What is it, Mother?!
PENNY: (CALLS) Will you come down, dear? We have a surprise for you.
ALICE: (OFF) Be right there!
PENNY: (AWKWARD, TO THE CONNELLS) Well....
CONNELL: I feel very uncomfortable about this. It's very careless of you, Tony. Very!
GRANDPA: Penny, how about cook up a barbie tonight?
MRS. CONNELL: Oh, please don't bother.
PENNY: Oh, no bother at all. Essie, nip down to Frank's and get a few dozen BBQ Sausages. Do you like snags, Mr. Connell?
CONNELL: Please don't trouble. I'm not very hungry.
PENNY: We've got some spag. bol. in the freezer, but I don't think we'll have enough now that you've come. Yes, let’s make it snags and a few chops, Essie. And Ed can fire up the barbie.
CONNELL: (GROANS)
ED: (FADES) Okay! (OFF, YELLS) Hey, Essie!
ALICE: (FADES IN, SHOUTING) Wheeeeeeeee!
SFX: THUD! ... AS ALICE HITS THE FLOOR
ALICE: (TRIUMPHANT) I can do it without holding!
TONY: Hello, Alice!
ALICE: (AGHAST) Oh! Oh, dear!
PENNY: What do you think, Alice? The Connells thought dinner was tonight.
ALICE: Oh, but, Tony, I-- I thought-- Oh, I'm so sorry! You see I was planning such a nice Christmas party tomorrow!
CONNELL: Well, perhaps we could come back tomorr…
MRS. CONNELL: Certainly not!!!
ALICE: Oh, no, no, no, we'd better see about getting you some dinner.
PENNY: Oh, that's all done, Alice, we’re doing some snags on the barbie.
MRS. CONNELL: Mr. Connell should have told you he suffers from indigestion.
CONNELL: Now, now, Miriam, it isn't as serious as all that.
KOLENKHOV: Well, perhaps it is not indigestion at all, Mr. Connell. Perhaps it is stomach ulcers.
CONNELL: Stomach--?! (GROANS) Ohhhhhhhhh.
GRANDPA: Sit down, sit down, Mr. Connell. Now tell me, how do you find business conditions currently?
CONNELL: Well, that depends on what side of the fence you're on. I feel that--
PENNY: Oh, isn't this nice! A real chat! Have you any hobbies, Mr. Connell?
CONNELL: Business is my hobby, Mrs. Mallee.
ALICE: Tony told me you once raised orchids.
CONNELL: That was a long time ago.
PENNY: Grandpa plays the harmonica.
CONNELL: Oh, really?
GRANDPA: Yes. Ever played one, Mr. Connell?
CONNELL: Well. Well--
MRS. CONNELL: (INTERRUPTS) When Mr. Connell was a boy, the harmonica was associated with a misspent youth.
TONY: Oh, were they, Mother?
MRS. CONNELL: Of course!
TONY: (AMUSED) Well, then, Dad's been holding out on you. He was once a champion player. Weren’t you Dad?
ED: (INTERRUPTS) Here's our tucker. Couldn't get many snags but it’s all good ‘cos I got heaps of polony.
CONNELL: (GROANS) Ohhhhhhh. ...
ALICE: Never mind, Ed. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Just bring everything in the kitchen. (FADES) And I'll fix some scrambled eggs for Mr. Connell.
TONY: Oh, Alice, wait a minute! I'll help.
Act Two Scene Four – the VanderHof kitchen
SFX: KITCHEN DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES
ALICE: (DISAPPOINTED) Well, Tony -- that's that, I guess. A fine impression we're making. How could you make such a dreadful mistake? You knew it was tomorrow night.
TONY: Yes, I did.
ALICE: What? You mean you brought them tonight purposely? Why?
TONY: Well, I wanted their approval of you, just as you are -- not a fake setting with everybody acting unnatural.
ALICE: Oh, but I wanted them to like us. Oh, you've spoiled it! I planned to give your parents such a nice Christmas dinner!
TONY: (CYNICALLY) Oh, they’re a right pair to plan for. They're out there acting like a couple of people on a slumming tour!
ALICE: OK, the eggs are ready. Come on, we'd better get back.
SFX: KITCHEN DOOR OPENS
Act Two Scene Five – the VanderHof home
KOLENKHOV: (FADES IN) Now, the perfect hobby should improve the body as well as the mind! The Romans were a great people. Why? What was their hobby? Wrestling! In wrestling, you have to think quick with the mind and the body!
CONNELL: That's quite true. When I was young, I was quite good at it, but unfortunately as the years go on--
KOLENKHOV: (SCOFFS) Ahhhh, foolish! Once a wrestler, you never forget. I have not wrestled in six years and I forget nothing. Look! Mr. Connell, stand up.
CONNELL: Now, wait a minute--
PENNY: Mr. Kolenkhov, leave Mr. Connell alone!
KOLENKHOV: Now, you hold me so! And I hold you -- so!
CONNELL: Now, listen! I don't want to wrestle.
KOLENKHOV: Now, what do I do?! (WITH SUDDEN EFFORT) I do this!
SFX: THUD! ... AS CONNELL HITS THE FLOOR
PENNY: Mr. Kolenkhov!
CONNELL: (MOANS IN PAIN) Ohhhhhhhhhh...
PENNY: Now, look what you've done to Mr. Connell. Oh, let me help you up, Mr. Connell.
CONNELL: My glasses. Where are my glasses?
PENNY: Oh, here, they are, Mr. Connell. They're broken.
KOLENKHOV: Well, I am sorry. But when you wrestle again, Mr. Connell, you will, of course, not wear glasses.
MRS. CONNELL: (COOL) If you don't mind, perhaps we'd better be going.
PENNY: Oh, now, Mrs. Connell, don't be silly. No use rushing off like this.
MRS. CONNELL: (STIFFLY) Good night.
TONY: Could I stay here and talk to you, Alice.
ALICE: I'd rather you didn't. (DISHEARTENED) There's - nothing to talk about.
CONNELL: Well, it's been charming to have met all of you--
SFX: FRONT DOOR FLUNG OPEN
1ST POLICEMAN: (FADES IN) Police! Everybody stay right where you are!
PENNY: Oh, goodness!
GRANDPA: What's all this? What do you want?
1st POLICEMAN: Which one was it, Johnno?
2nd POLICEMAN: This guy here!
1st POLICEMAN: Grab him!
ED: (STRUGGLING) Hey! What is this? Let go of me! What have I done?
CONNELL: See here officer, we don't belong in this house. We were just visiting --
1st POLICEMAN: Put a sock in it! Now you -- what's your name?
ED: My name is Edward Carmichael. But I haven't done anything!
GRANDPA: Now then officers, what's all this about?
ESSIE: Ed! What have you done?!
ED: Nothing, Essie. I told you somebody was following me!
1st POLICEMAN: Shut it! Does this door lead to a cellar?
PENNY: Yes, it does.
1st POLICEMAN: Go down there, Johnno, and look around.
2nd POLICEMAN: (FADES) Okay!
SFX: QUICK FOOTSTEPS AWAY ... CELLAR DOOR OPENS, OFF
1st POLICEMAN: Now, Carmichael. Look at these. Have you ever seen these flyers?
ED: Huh? What? Sure, sure! They're the adverts I made for Mr. Iraklidis.
1ST POLICEMAN: So you admit that you printed them?
ED: Yes, sure I did.
1st POLICEMAN: And that you put them into chocolate boxes distributed by various shops in Perth?
ED: Yes. But I don’t see what I have done wrong.
1st POLICEMAN: Oh, you don’t do you? Well, how does this sound to you? (READS) “Watch for the Fallout! It's Coming Soon!" and “A nuclear reaction is coming! Get your warheads from Carmichael’s!”. It seems you want to encourage another war. I suppose you are aware of that meltdown in Russia?
CONNELL: My God these people are anarchists! They're communists!
ED: But that’s not what it means--!
1ST POLICEMAN: Shut it! Save it for the Judge.
2nd POLICEMAN: (OFF) Hey, Sarge! Sarge!
1st POLICEMAN: Yeah? What is it, Johnno?
2nd POLICEMAN: (FADES IN) Well, you were right, Chief! They've got enough gun powder down in that cellar to blow up the whole of Perth!
IRAKLIDIS: But we only use that to make fireworks--
1st POLICEMAN: I’ve heard enough! Everybody in this house is under arrest!
CONNELL: What? You cannot possible mean that?!
MRS. CONNELL: Oh, my heavens!
GRANDPA: Look here, Officer, this is all a misunderstanding.
IRAKLIDIS: Excuse me, Officer, but I've got to go down in the cellar!
1ST POLICEMAN: Oh, no you don't! What's your name?
IRAKLIDIS: Iraklid -- but I just remembered I left my pipe down on the--
1ST POLICEMAN: Get back over there!
IRAKLIDIS: But I must get my pipe!
1ST POLICEMAN: Grab him, Johnno!
2nd POILCEMAN: All right mate. Steady on there.
IRAKLIDIS: Let me go! Let me go! I must get down there!
2nd POLICEMAN: You’re staying right here!
SFX: EXPLOSIONS FROM BELOW ... A SERIES OF SHARP CRACKS
IRAKLIDIS: There, I told you! My pipe!
CONNELL: What is that?
IRAKLIDIS: The fireworks! The fireworks!
1st POLICEMAN: I’ve seen and heard enough. I am arresting everyone in the house. Let’s get them all outside!
BIZ: CHAOS! -- ALL AD LIB ("Do you know who I am--!" "You can't--")
SFX: FIREWORKS POPPING FURIOUSLY
MFX: TOPS EVERYTHING FOR A ROUSING FINISH
SFX: APPLAUSE
ACT THREE
NARRATOR: Act Two of "You Can't Take It with You" ended rather abruptly. We'll see what happens in Act Three. If anyone can get out of a fix like that, our money's on Grandpa. Perhaps his secret is friendliness.
MFX: BRIEF, CHEERY INTRO ... THEN IN BG
NARRATOR: The long arm of the law has reached into the VanderHof household and scooped up the entire family -- and, with them, the well-to-do Connells. Its Christmas Eve in the police station and the men have been herded into a single custody room, reserved especially for the drunk and disorderly.
Act Three Scene One – the Police Drunk tank
MFX: CHANGES TO HARMONICA, SOFTLY, OFF A LITTLE ... "FAIRYTALE OF NEW YORK"
CONNELL: (ACCUSING) Well, Tony, I hope you're satisfied. And I only hope it teaches you a lesson. Do not go fooling around with secretaries.
TONY: I'm sorry, Dad, but I intend to marry Alice!
CONNELL: Sure, sure, I know. I intended marrying a waitress once! But, fortunately, my father knocked that idea out of me!
MFX: HARMONICA STOPS
GRANDPA: Mr. Connell, you would be a lot better off if you could relax a little.
CONNELL: (SCOFFS) Ahhh, relax! With my son being snatched from under my nose! With my being arrested like a common criminal! (SHOUTS)And… if this gets out it will jeopardize the biggest deal of my career!
GRANDPA: (CALMLY) Stop worrying, Mr. Connell. What if all your deals fall through? Might be a lucky break for you.
CONNELL: Are you crazy?!
GRANDPA: Maybe I am. I was just like you once. But I gave it all up because I wasn't having any fun. That was thirty-five years ago.
CONNELL: (CONTEMPTUOUS) Yeah. And you haven't done a thing since.
GRANDPA: Oh, yes, yes. I get to go to the beach when I feel like it. I took up the harmonica again. Made a lot of friends. And even found time to notice when Spring came around.
CONNELL: Yes, a fine country we'd have if we all spent our time at the beach and played the harmonica. It's a lot of nonsense!
GRANDPA: Too bad you can't find time for a bit of nonsense like that. Perhaps you'd stop being so desperate about making more money than you could ever spend. You can't take it with you, Mr. Connell. So what good is it? From what I can see, there's only one thing you can take with you, and that's the love and respect of your friends and family.
CONNELL: (SHARPLY) Oh, why don't you go out and get yourself a pulpit?
GRANDPA: I'm sorry.
GUARD: (FADES IN) Which one of you is VanderHof?
GRANDPA: Right here, mate.
GUARD: This bloke wants to talk to you. There he is. (FADES) Five minutes.
PORTEOUS: (OFF) Thanks. (FADES IN, SMUG) Hello, Mr. VanderHof. Remember me?
GRANDPA: Oh, of course. Mr. Porteous, isn't it?
PORTEOUS: Yes. I heard you were in trouble and came over to help you out.
GRANDPA: I see. Thank you very much but you're wasting your time, Mr. Porteous. I still don't intend selling my home.
PORTEOUS: This might be your last chance Mr VanderHof… before things get nasty?
GRANDPA: I have no doubt. But no. My home is more than money can buy. Now, go along, mate. Bugger off and leave me alone.
PORTEOUS: Well, we'll see how long you can hold out. Just wait till a few more things ike this happen to you!
GRANDPA: (REALIZES) Ahhhh! So it was you who arranged this arrest?
PORTEOUS: Yes, and this is only the beginning! I have other ways of getting you out of your house Mr VanderHof.
CONNELL: (FADES IN) Porteous, did you do this?
PORTEOUS: (HORRIFIED) Mr. Connell!
CONNELL: Why, you idiot! Do you realise what you've done?
PORTEOUS: But, Mr. Connell, I never dreamed that you knew these people!
CONNELL: Get out of here, you bloody idiot! And if you know what’s good for you you will get me my lawyers so I can get out of here.
PORTEOUS: (FADES) Yes sir, yes sir, I'll phone them all. Yes, sir!
CONNELL: (CALMLY, TO GRANDPA) So -- you're the one who’s been holding up my big deal?
GRANDPA: Kind of funny, isn't it?
CONNELL: What's so funny about it?
GRANDPA: (LAUGHS) I mean, your engineering this thing and then getting caught in your own trap.
CONNELL: Ah, you won't think it's so funny, when I take that house away from you.
KOLENKHOV: (OFF A LITTLE) Ah, listen to him! Talks like a preditor!
CONNELL: I'll show you all how business is done, the Connell way!
KOLENKHOV: Business! You are not a business man! You are a - a tiger in the jungle!
CONNELL: Yes! And I've got the longest and the sharpest claws, too! That's how I got where I am! That's why I'm on top -- and bogans like you are in the gutter!
TONY: Oh, Dad. Stop it!
KOLENKHOV: Who are you calling a bogan?!
GRANDPA: (ANGRY) You're not a tiger, Mr. Connell, you’re a galah! A right galah!
CONNELL: You can't talk to me like that!
GRANDPA: Oh, yes, I can! "Bogans," are we? You’ve got some tickets on you alright. What makes you think you're such a superior human being? Your money? With all your wealth, you're the poorest man I know! Poorer than any of these people you call bogans! Because I'll guarantee they've got some friends. You may be a high flyer in your own mind, Mr. Connell, but to me you're a failure! A failure as a man, a failure as a human being -- yes, even a failure as a father! (PAUSE, CATCHES HIS BREATH) I'm sorry, Mr. Connell. I haven't lost my temper like that in thirty-odd years. (PAUSE) If I could - make it up to you any way-- (GENEROUS) Tell you what. How'd you like to have this harmonica? It's a new one. Here, you might want to play it sometime.
SFX: CELL DOOR UNLOCKED AND OPENED
GUARD: All right, you miserable bastards! Night Court's open! (FADES) Have your slips ready! Come on, come on, move along.
Act Three Scene Two – the night Courtroom
BIZ: FADE IN CROWD ... AD LIB IN COURTROOM
SFX: GAVEL
JUDGE: Silence! Silence! Guard, who are all these people?
GUARD: They are friends of Mr VanderHof Your Honour.
JUDGE: Does he have any Counsel?
GUARD: No, Your Honour he is representing himself.
JUDGE: Then why is the honourable Mr Downing QC seated over there?
GUARD: He is representing Mr Connell Your Honour.
JUDGE: Connell… The banker? Well. This should be fun! Silence!!!
BIZ: CROWD QUIETS
JUDGE: Mr. VanderHof, for disturbing the peace, you and the rest of your family are, by your own plea, guilty. However I shall suspend your sentence.
GRANDPA: Thank you, sir.
JUDGE: But as for manufacturing explosives without a license, I'm sorry, but I'm forced to fine you five thousand dollars.
GRANDPA: Five thousand dollars? (WHISTLES) That's a lot of dough.
CONNELL: (QUIET) Your Honour, I'll pay his fine.
GRANDPA: No, no, thank you very much, Mr. Connell, but I couldn't let you do that.
BIZ: CROWD ... COURTROOM HUM SWELL
MAGGIE: (OFF) Come on you guys. We’ve got to help Grandpa! He's our neighbour!
SFX: GAVEL
JUDGE: Order! Silence, please!
MAGGIE: (FADES IN) Oh, Grandpa, don't worry!
GRANDPA: Why, hello Maggie!
JUDGE: Madam, please approach the bench.
MAGGIE: Your Honour, we're Grandpa's neighbours! We'll take care of that fine for him. We just need to pass the hat for the money!
BIZ: CROWD ... AD LIBS AGREEMENT ("Yea, we're with you, Mr. VanderHof! Whatever it takes!")
JUDGE: Very well. But, quietly, please.
BIZ: CROWD QUIETS ... CONTINUES TO BUZZ IN BG
MAGGIE: Ah! Thanks, Judge. (FADES) Okay, folks, time to stump up the cash.
SFX: CLINKING OF COINS OFF, DURING FOLLOWING
JUDGE: Ah, you're a lucky man, Mr. VanderHof, to have so many friends.
GRANDPA: (SLOWLY) Yes, sir.
BIZ: CROWD QUIETS DURING FOLLOWING
JUDGE: Now, gentlemen, I would have liked to dismiss the charge of disturbing the peace against the Connells. But if the VanderHofs are guilty, then I must assume the Connells are guilty, by association.(PAUSE) Unless, of course, they can explain why else they came to be there.
MRS. CONNELL: I don't see why that's important! Haven't we been embarrassed enough?
GRANDPA: Your Honour, if I may say something?
JUDGE: Yes, of course, Mr. VanderHof.
GRANDPA: These people just dropped in to see me about buying my house.
MRS. CONNELL: (RELIEVED) Why - why, why, of course! That's what we were there for!
ALICE: (FADES IN, FURIOUS) That's not true!
GRANDPA: Now, Alice--
BIZ: CROWD ... BRIEFLY BUZZES OVER ALICE'S ENTRANCE
ALICE: Now, let me alone! I won't stand for this! I won't stand for our being humiliated like this! Your Honour, the Connells are ashamed to admit that they came to inspect my family, to see if I was good enough to marry their precious son!
MRS. CONNELL: Why, I never heard anything so --
TONY: But she's right, mother! That's just why you were there!
ALICE: Oh yes. And it's about time you spoke up, Tony Connell! Why, your family is the one that’s not good enough! I wouldn't be related to a bunch of snobs like them for anything in the world! (FADES and SHOUTS BACK) How do you like that?!(STORMS OUT)
BIZ: CROWD ... AD LIBS
TONY: (CALLS, OVER CROWD) Alice! Alice! Come back!
BIZ: CROWD BUZZES LOUDLY
MFX: TOPS EVERYTHING FOR A DRAMATIC BRIDGE ... THEN OUT
Act Three Scene Three – the VanderHof home (New Year’s Day)
SFX: FRONT DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES, OFF
GRANDPA: (CALLS EXCITEDLY) Penny! Essie! Come here!
PENNY: (FADES IN) What's the matter, Grandpa?
GRANDPA: Look! It's a letter! From Alice! Here, read it!
ESSIE: Alice? What does she say? Where is she?
ED: Is she coming home?
ESSIE: Read it out loud, Mum!
PENNY: Now, wait a minute, my hands are shaking. (BEAT) She's staying with Helen, her school friend, in Esperance.
ESSIE: Read what she says, Mum!
PENNY: Oh, let me see now-- (READS) "I now realise that the situation between me and Tony is impossible. I should have stayed with my own kind. And, oh, my dear family, I miss you all. Last night I cried myself to sleep. I wish I could come back home. But how can I -- if I want to forget?”
ESSIE: Sounds to me like she's not coming back.
GRANDPA: Well, I guess that settles it.
SFX: RECEIVER UP ... PHONE DIAL
ESSIE: Who are you calling, Grandpa?
GRANDPA: I'm calling that fellow Porteous.
PENNY: Porteous? You're not going to sell the house?!
SFX: DIAL STOPS
GRANDPA: Alice is right. She can't come back here. She'd be miserable. (TO PHONE) Mr. Porteous, please. (THEN) We'll just need to find a place to stay in Esperance and-- (TO PHONE) Hello, Mr. Porteous? This is Martin VanderHof. Do you still want to buy my house? ... I see… Your offer is now only twenty thousand… Hmm. All right. Draw up the contract and I’ll sign.
SFX: RECEIVER CLICK
GRANDPA: Bit of a crook, that bloke.
MFX: BRIDGE
Act Three Scene Four – the VanderHof home (2 months later)
TONY: But, Mr. VanderHof, why won't you tell me where Alice is?
GRANDPA: Because there's an unwritten law in our family against snitching. And Alice doesn't want to see you, Tony.
PENNY: (OFF, CALLS) Grandpa, is the removal man down there?
GRANDPA: (CALLS) He just took out the xylophone. (TO TONY) Pretty busy today here, son. What with moving out and all.
TONY: Now, Mr. VanderHof, er, if you see Alice, will you tell her--? Well, tell her that I've resigned from Connell and Son and moved out on my own. I'm going follow up on that - that grass thing I told her about.
GRANDPA: (UNDERSTANDS) Grass, sure.
ESSIE: (FADING IN, EXCITED) Grandpa! Grandpa! I just seen our Alice coming up the driveway!
GRANDPA: Alice--?
ESSIE: Alice is home!
PENNY: What? Crikey! And just as we were off to see her!
SFX: FRONT DOOR FLUNG OPEN
ALICE: (OFF) Mother! Grandpa! I'm back!
PENNY: Oh, Alice, darling!
ALICE: (FADES IN) Grandpa! What are you doing? I came as soon as I got your letter. Why didn’t you tell me sooner. But -- oh! I'm too late. You've already sold the house!
GRANDPA: Of course, I sold the house. I was - I was getting tired of it.
ALICE: But now everybody on the street has to move! (LOW, POINTED) And what about Grandma? You're moving away from her.
TONY: Alice--
ALICE: (COLDLY) Well, Mr. Tony Connell, you wanted the house and now you have it. So now get out!
TONY: But Alice, please, I--
ALICE: Don't talk to me! Oh, Grandpa did you do all this just for me? (SHE CRIES ON GRANDPA'S SHOULDER)
GRANDPA: It's all right, Alice, it's all right. Now, don't - don't cry, dear.
REMOVALIST: (FADES IN) The desk was right here, wasn't it? Set it down, Harry.
SFX: DESK THUMPS ON FLOOR
GRANDPA: Hey, what’s all this? Why are you bringing the furniture back in?
REMOVALIST: Orders, Grandpa. (FADES) Come on, Harry.
PENNY: Stone the crows --?
CONNELL: (OFF A LITTLE, MEEKLY) May I come in?
TONY: Dad!?!
PENNY: Why, if it isn’t Mr. Connell!
GRANDPA: Mr. Connell?
CONNELL: (OFF) Do you mind if I sit down?
GRANDPA: 'Course not. But we're a little short on chairs.
CONNELL: (CLOSER) Well, you won't be. I have told the men to bring your furniture back.
PENNY: You did? Why?
CONNELL: (HUMBLED) Mr. VanderHof, you told me I was a failure as a man and as a father. I guess maybe you were right. My son walked out on me today.
TONY: Dad, I --
CONNELL: But… I'm not giving up. I want my son back. I want to be a success as a father. So the first thing I've got to do is to be a success as a man. My big deal isn't going through and, strangely enough, I don't care. You and your neighbours can have your homes back for a $1 each.
GRANDPA: Mr. Connell, …
CONNELL: (INTERRUPTS) No. Please call me Anthony.
GRANDPA: Pleased to meet you, Anthony. My name is Malcolm.
GRANDPA: Anthony, do you know what I do when I'm facing a shitstorm of some kind? I just take out my harmonica and play until the drama passes. I think right now if you and I could play a duet—Do you have the harmonica I gave you?
CONNELL: (CHUCKLES) Well, Malcolm, I--
GRANDPA: Fine, fine. How about "Amazing Grace"?
CONNELL: "Amazing Grace"?
GRANDPA: I'll start it and you join in.
CONNELL: (LAUGHS) All right.
MFX: ONE HARMONICA STARTS “AMAZING GRACE” – SECOND JOINS IN
PENNY: Oh, that is beautiful! Isn’t it lovely Mr Iraklidis?
KOLENKHOV: (FADES IN) Oh! I see a shark playing the harmonica!
MFX: HARMONICAS OUT
CONNELL: (HAPPY TO SEE HIM) Ah! My Russian wrestling friend!
KOLENKHOV: What are you doing here?!
CONNELL: Ha! I'll show you! I hold you so!
KOLENKHOV: Ah?
CONNELL: You hold me so!
KOLENKHOV: Ah, da!
CONNELL: What am I doing?! I'm doing this! (GRUNTS WITH EFFORT)
SFX: THUD! AS KOLENKHOV HITS THE FLOOR
KOLENKHOV: (LOVES IT) Oh! Magnificent!
CONNELL: Thank you! (TO GRANDPA) Come on, …Malcolm!
MFX: HARMONICAS PLAY "AMAZING GRACE" ... CONTINUES IN BG
ESSIE: Ed, how about joining us on the xylophone?
ED: Okay with me. Where are my sticks?
MFX: XYLOPHONE JOINS HARMONICAS ... CONTINUES IN BG
TONY: (HAPPY) Alice? Alice, I guess everything's all right now…with us?
ALICE: (OVERCOME) Oh, Tony, I - I don’t know what to say.
TONY: Well, I feel like screaming! Oh Yes, it's coming over me! Oh no! WAHOO!
ALICE: (TENDERLY) But you’ve already got what you wanted, Tony.
TONY: (LOVINGLY) Have I? Oh, Alice.
ALICE: (CHUCKLES)
TONY: Beaut!
ALICE: (CHUCKLES)
MFX: XYLOPHONE AND HARMONICAS UP AND FADE OUT
Act Three Scene Five – the VanderHof home (later that day)
SFX: CLATTER OF DISHES FADES IN ... CHATTER OF VOICES ... TAPPING ON PLATE
PENNY: Quiet! Quiet, everybody! Bit of shush please.
SFX: SETTLES DOWN TO SILENCE
PENNY: Grandpa's going to say grace.
MFX: SOFTLY UNDER FOLLOWING
GRANDPA: Well, Sir, here we are again. We had a little trouble but that's not Your fault. You spread the milk of human kindness and, if some of it gets curdled, that's our lookout. Anyway, things have turned out sweet. Alice is going to marry Tony, the Connells are coming to stay with us for a while, and everybody on the street is happy. We've all got our health and as far as anything else is concerned, we leave it up to You. Thank You.
CONNELL: Has anybody got the pickles?!
SFX: CLATTER OF DISHES ... HAPPY CHATTER OF VOICES
MFX: SWELLS TO A FINISH
SFX: APPLAUSE ... THEN OUT
NARRATOR: Good night. Good night. And our - our gratitude is one thing you can take with you.
MFX: THEME ... CONTINUES IN BG
SFX: APPLAUSE OUT
MFX: THEME UP AND OUT