A Corner Pocket Carol (Version A)

The story of a property dispute related to the building at end of South Terrace. 

Scrooge is intent on redeveloping the cafe into a parking lot. Three visions make her realise that it is better to be part of a community and that money is not everything.

 Told through the timeless format of pantomime.

CAST:
Narrator  .... Fiona Wheeler
Scrooge – Property developer .... Peter Hocking
Bob Cratchit – Café owner .... Fiona McVey
Tiny Tim – Café Patron .... Helen Peerless
Mister Kickie - Barista  [panto donkey] .... Kim Petersen
Bridie Petite – Dodgy town planner  .... Annie Taylor
Celeste Gypsy Rose Indigo Heavenly Meadow – Good fairy .... Isabelle McGrath
Gasket – Coffee drinking dog .... Ron Potiphar
Ghost of Christmas Past – pre-COVID Father Christmas .... Stephen McVey
Ghost of Christmas Present – COVID isolation Father Christmas .... Aung Mynt
Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come – Post-COVID Father Christmas  .... Ron Potiphar
Genie ....  Aung Mynt

Written by  Helen Crompton (oh? ... and Tim McGrath)

Transcript

Fourth Wheel Productions: A Corner Pocket Carol Working Draft 13-Nov-20

A Corner Pocket Carol





In Prose. Being a pantomime of Christmas

by Tim McGrath and Helen Crompton [October 2020]

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Cast of Characters

• Narrator
• Scrooge – Property developer (panto dame)
• Bob Cratchit – Café owner
• Tiny Tim – Café Patron
• Mister Kickie - Barista and panto donkey
• Bridie Petite – Dodgy town planner
• Celeste Gypsy Rose Indigo Heavenly Meadow – A good fairy
• Gasket – Coffee drinking dog
• Genie – Mistakenly cast in wrong panto
• Ghost of Christmas Past – pre-COVID Father Christmas
• Ghost of Christmas Present – COVID isolation Father Christmas
• Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come – Post-COVID Father Christmas

SYNOPSIS:
The story of a property dispute related to the building at end of South Terrace. Scrooge is intent on redeveloping the cafe into a parking lot. Three visions make her realise that it is better to be part of a community and that money is not everything.

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Act I

1. [FX: Fanfare]

NARRATOR: Hello Boys and Girls. Welcome to Australia! AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Yay!
NARRATOR: Welcome to Western Australia!
AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Yay!

NARRATOR: Welcome to Fremantle! AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Yay! NARRATOR: Welcome to South Fremantle! AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Yay!

NARRATOR: And welcome to the Corner Pocket of South Fremantle – so called because its where all the mouldy crumbs and bits of fluff end up. Mostly they gather at the Fourth Wheel café which is where our story begins...
Are you ready boys and girls?

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: YES!!! NARRATOR: I can’t hear you!!! AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: YES!!! NARRATOR: What did you say? AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: YES!!!

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NARRATOR: I still can’t hear you!!!

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: YES!!!

NARRATOR: Alright! No need to shout! Then here we go....... 'Twas the week before Christmas, when all through the cafe

Not a local was sipping, not even a latte;

SCENE: The Café

[Music: Café theme]

BOB: Hello boys and girls. My name is Bob Cratchit and I run the Fourth Wheel café down here in the Corner Pocket. And this is my barista Mister Kickie. .... Mister Kickie?? [aside to Mister Kickie] What are you supposed to be anyway? [pause] Which end is the front? [pause] Can you even see anything from inside there?

MISTER KICKIE: [to Bob whispering loudly] I’m a pantomime donkey. 2. [FX: click coconuts]

MISTER KICKIE: [talking back to his tail] What? Stop that, don’t push. What did you say? Oh. Sorry, I meant “we” are a pantomime donkey. [talking to audience] Seriously, I do have a bit of a split personality problem going on with my rear end. Then again, dodgy back legs run in my family. Indeed, people say that together we make a complete ass of ourselves!

ALL: [groan]

MISTER KICKIE: Hee haw!! C’mon – that’s not bad for a fake, coffee-making panto donkey!

3. [FX: door opens]

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4. [FX: harp or xylophone glide]

[Enter Celeste humming “Feliz Navidad”]

BOB: Hello Celeste Gypsy Rose Indigo Heavenly Meadow. Have you been crocheting yourself another bathing suit? What is this one made of?

CELESTE: Felted Llama hair that’s been organically recycled by Paraguayan farmer’s wives to subside coca crops destroyed by their military fascist dictatorship.

[She starts humming again, to her baby goat.]
5. [FX: Baby goat bleats]
BOB: What complex, ethically correct bathers! Well done you! But are you alright? CELESTE: Yes, it’s just that I’m still breast feeding this baby goat.
6. [FX: goat bleats]
CELESTE: I have to sing it this ergonomic, secular festive song to get it to sleep. [She continues humming to her baby goat.]
7. [FX: Baby goat bleats]
MISTER KICKIE: Yep! Kids today eh?
ALL: [groan]

MISTER KICKIE: C’mon – that’s not bad for a fake, coffee-making, panto donkey! [to Celeste] So how are you taking your coffee this morning Celeste?

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Fourth Wheel Productions: A Corner Pocket Carol Working Draft 13-Nov-20 CELESTE: As always - very seriously.

8. [FX: Boom, boom]

MR KICKIE: Hey, cut that out – I’m the smart ass around here! ALL: [groan]
9. [FX: clink, tap, milk froth, and pour]
MISTER KICKIE: Coffee up! Hey Bob,

BOB: What?

MISTER KICKIE: Knock, Knock

BOB: Who’s there?

MISTER KICKIE: Ava.

BOB: Ava who?

MISTER KICKIE: Ava merry Christmas!

ALL: [groan]

[Scrooge enters the Café. Celeste steps aside and continues humming to her baby goat.]

10. [FX: door opens, footsteps approaching] 11. [FX: Scrooge theme]
SCROOGE: Bah Humbug!

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AUDIENCE [ led by NARRATOR] Boo. Boo. Boo.
SCROOGE: What? Get out of my way you stupid people. [SCROOGE pushes CELESTE aside]
12. [FX: chair shuffle - baby goat bleats and stops - interrupted]

SCROOGE: Bah Humbug! The Fourth Wheel cafe is pretty much the most ludicrous business I ever saw. Hundreds of hours are wasted in chatting about ideas, ethics, people’s lives, how they are feeling, something called art and people contributing to the community for nothing! Imbecilic waste of time and resources! Now, I want a word with the owner, Bob Cratchit.

BOB: Well here I am Scrooge! How may I help you today?

SCROOGE: This ridiculous COVID conspiracy is destroying my business. I need more money... and fast. So, this cafe is going to be razed to the ground and made into a multi-storey “lifestyle" car park with sea views. This is a lot more feasible as new incentives had been created by the scarcity of parking that fits the long-term supply- demand ratio of the area. Much more so than supplying coffee, cake and bircher muesli to middle class, dog-owning snowflakes.

BOB: But what about the human connection we offer here. Providing a true sense of community. You do know that love and consideration far outweigh such economics.

[SCROOGE laughs endlessly]

13. [FX: “Laughing Policeman” chorus]

SCROOGE: This is my café, in my building, on my land. I own it all and don’t care about any of you. I find you all very irritating and worse, suspiciously poor. I want your

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cafe replaced by concrete car spaces and your music replaced by the sweet sound of car exhausts filling the air with carbon monoxide and my pockets with dollars!

BOB: But Scrooge, please don’t shut us down. We can increase the coffee output and pay more rent...

SCROOGE: Humbug! I’ve been counting the beans on the café counter and they just don’t stack up. They don’t call me a bean counter for nothing! For one thing, they have to pay me!

[knocks coffee beans off the counter onto the floor]

14. [FX: beans spilling onto floor]

BOB: But the Fourth Wheel is a paradise. You can’t pave it over and p...p...put up a parking lot!

[Queue Flukes song: Big Yellow Taxi chorus]

BOB: [interrupting the Flukes] Whoa, whoa, there – what’s going on? Who said you could....? I’m sorry but.... Not now OK. People are trying to drink their coffee here. Don’t let me have to tell you again.

SCROOGE: Bah Humbug! I don’t care about any of you. I can shut down the Fourth Wheel and build whatever I want and you tie-dye tragics can’t stand in the way of progress! Anyway, the Fremantle council have said I could!

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no they didn’t! SCROOGE: Oh yes they did!
AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no they didn’t!

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Fourth Wheel Productions: A Corner Pocket Carol Working Draft 13-Nov-20 SCROOGE: Oh yes they did...

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no they didn’t!

SCROOGE: You lot sound just like the Magistrates Court. Nah, nah, nah, nah, nah... Well I’ve only got one thing to say to you all.... Bah Humbug!

[SCROOGE leaves]

15. [FX: footsteps fading, door closes]

BOB: Well ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls [....and Mister Kickie?] it looks like no more coffees in the Fourth Wheel. While it’s sad to see all this come to an end, they do say all life is a cycle – and if we got to live it all over again, it would be a bi-cycle.

16. [FX: very short blast from Queen’s Bicycle]

BOB: See boys and girls, at the Fourth Wheel even re-cycle old pop songs – it’s like déjà vu... but all over again!

[Enter TINY TIM]

17. [FX: door opens, footsteps approaching]

TINY TIM: Hello Bob, Hello Celeste, Hello Mister Kickie. Why the long face?
MISTER KICKIE: Hay! Knock off the donkey gags.
18. [FX: coconuts click]
BOB: Well Tiny Tim I am afraid to say that the Fourth Wheel is going to grind to a halt. TINY TIM: That’s wheely awful news! But how can that be?

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BOB: It’s Scrooge – she’s put a spoke in our finances. Turns out she’s knocking down the Fourth Wheel to build a multi-storey car park with sea views.

TINY TIM: No! They can’t take our bio-dynamic, responsibly-harvested-save-the-baby whales-organic coffee away from us! That’s cruelty to all us middle class pretend hippies! Don’t worry Bob, I won’t let this happen. I’ll work tirelessly to keep the Wheel turning.

BOB: But how?

TINY TIM: Simple! Any Wheel turns faster if you cut corners. You need to gear up the cafe for more business and in no time you’ll see the profits come rolling in! Think about it: a bigger Fourth Wheel will turn into a whole new coffee revolution! [pause] I said think about it . . . wheel...turn....revolution! [pause] Oh I give up!

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no you don’t!
TINY TIM: Oh yes I . . . Hang on, you’re right .... it’s far too early in the script!

MISTER KICKIE: But Tiny Tim, Scrooge has counted the beans, and said they don’t stack up. She’s right too. I’ve been trying to stack them all day and look, they’re all over the floor!

19. [FX: beans kicked across the floor]

TINY TIM: I don’t mean to be rude Mr Kickie, but you’re being a bit of a chicken, Burro-ito. Take courage! You’ll feel better when you mul-e it over. This doesn’t have to be a cat-ass-trophy. All it will take is a little donkey work and things can turn around. Why, my fine trusty .... steed[?] we won’t let Scrooge ride all over us! Come on Mister Kickie, you’re a true blue dinkey di donkey [takes breath] – you must have dealt with people like her-be-vore?

20. [FX: Music “Land of hope and glory” builds up and plays behind Tiny Tim’s speech]

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TINY TIM: [Churchillian voice, growing in stature and slowing in speed] I have, myself, full confidence that if all do their duty, if nothing is neglected, and if the floral arrangements are made, as they can be made, we shall prove ourselves once again able to defend our Fourth Wheel, to ride out the scheme amendment, and to outlive the menace of tyranny, if necessary for years, if necessary alone. We shall go on to the end, we shall fight using interpretative dance, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air, we shall defend our cafe, whatever the cost may be, we shall dance on the beaches, we shall dance on the footy grounds, we shall dance along the Terrace; we shall never surrender our toasted Ruben sarnies on organic sourdough, or our three hour coffee breaks!

ALL: [Cheering]

BOB: Well! I know it’s spray-painted on the side wall, but I never believed it until now. There is nothing Tiny about you, Tim!

TINY TIM: C’mon Cratchit my luckless friend, it’s off to Freo Council to learn all about the R-Codes and boundary setbacks – and to put a stop to Scrooge’s plans.

BOB: Setbacks - surely we have enough of those already?

TINY TIM: What? No Bob... it’s... never mind. We’re off to achieve something impossible - get some sense out of our local town planners.

[Bob and Tiny Tim leave]

21. [FX: footsteps fading, door closes] 22. [FX: harp or xylophone glide]

CELESTE: [to the audience] Bob and Tiny Tim will need some magic to help them if they want to stop Scrooge’s plans. I know an ancient spell that I clipped out of the Herald that can help.

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23. [FX: ethereal, magic music plays behind Celeste’s spell]

CELESTE: Goddess above, queen of the night. Help Scrooge bathe in your healing light. Tonight when she sleeps or so it seems,
Three visions she’ll see when she dreams,

Do it for her consequences take;
In each dream she will partake;
Times past, present and yet to be,
All these will be shown COVID-ly.
When she wak'st, she will acquiesce;
To forsake avarice and bitterness. Kindness and consideration she will see, Are the way to contentment and harmony.

24. [FX: small explosion, cloud of smoke, “pooof”]

GENIE: [booming voice] Who summoned the genie of the lamp!
CELESTE: Wha?? Who?? [pause] Not me. I think you must be in the wrong

pantomime.

GENIE: Not again! I am going to have to say something to my agent. I’m just back from China after a mix-up about a production of Ali Baba! [pause] Honestly nobody takes magic seriously anymore...[pause] While I’m here can I interest you in three wishes?

CELESTE: How about creating a world of peace, love and understanding? Those would be my three wishes.

GENIE: Why would I do that? Did you see what they did to the last bloke who tried that? No. I think it would take a global pandemic to make people be kinder to each other..... And that’s not going happen is it! [laughs] Ah! Aah! Aaah! [sneezes] Sorry, I must be coming down with something. Have to go!

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[Genie vanishes]

25. [FX: small explosion, cloud of smoke, “pooof”]

SCENE: Council Offices

26. [FX: old clock ticks, chairs shuffle] 27. [FX: Scrooge Theme]

SCROOGE: Now Bridie Petite, as town planner you need to sign off on my development plans for the Fourth Wheel. If Freo is to keep its status as the second city to Perth, we need to think big, act fast, build up, seize the day, speculate to accumulate, actualise our potential and eliminate the degree and intensity of nuisance. Speaking of our town planners, where is the approval for my 17-storey car park with sea views? And what about our other property-related problem - namely the hippies at the Fourth Wheel. Bridie! Bridie! Are you listening? What do I pay you for lad?

BRIDIE: It’s not that easy Scrooge. Someone has put in a protest questioning the R- Codes and boundary setbacks of your land. If we try and rush them through then Landgate might take of-fence - on both sides.

SCROOGE: What fence?
BRIDIE: Yes, we may have to alter the fence?
SCROOGE: Defence?

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BRIDIE: Yes, you’re right again. We may need to defend our justification for the lot setbacks.

SCROOGE: Floral art setbacks? Yes, now you mention it, I do think Bob spends too much on flowers.

BRIDIE: Sorry, I meant for the setbacks on your rear.

SCROOGE: OOOOO! you are awful – but very nice of you to notice. [pause] Cheeky boy! You always looked like a man who knows how to get things done. I want the bulldozers to go in on Christmas Day. So, if you’ll just sign the approval order, I will hand over this brown envelope full of cash. As for those soft-headed desk jockeys in Landgate – just mention the name “Crompton” and that’ll keep ‘em quiet!

28. [FX: Scrooge Theme]

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Act 2

SCENE: SCROOGE’S BEDROOM

1. [FX: Scrooge Theme]

SCROOGE: What a day! I’m exhausted. I don’t know how those ridiculous people would manage without me to exploit them. They just don’t appreciate how much effort it takes to be such a mean-spirited bastard.

NARRATOR: That night as she climbed into bed dreamlike....

2. [FX: harp or xylophone glide]

SCROOGE: It’s no good I can’t sleep! What’s that funny smell? It smells a bit like baby goat. Where have I smelt that before? No. it’s no good, I can never sleep when I drink coffee.

NARRATOR: Really? It’s the opposite with me.

SCROOGE: What. You fall asleep when you drink coffee?

NARRATOR: No, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.

3. [FX: boom, boom]

NARRATOR: Now back to the story. As I was saying... That night as she climbed into bed dreamlike

4. [FX: snoring]

Father Christmas roared in on a loud motor bike. Dressed in dirty red leather, from his head to his foot, And his jacket all tarnished with ashes and soot;

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With knock-off fake goods in the bag in his hand, The dirty old man was perhaps not from Toyland.

[Father Christmas roars in on a loud motor bike.]

5. [FX: motor bike approaches, idles, switches off and rider descends]

His eyes -- how they twinkled! his dimples how merry! His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

6. [FX: bottle opening and drink being guzzled]

His droll little mouth snarled up like a bow,
And his grey moustache white with powdery snow; The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And blue smoke encircled his head like a wreath;

7. [FX: coughing and wheezing]

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

8. [FX: fart]

Soon gave her to know she had something to dread;

CHRISTMAS PAST: [drunkenly] I’m the spirt of Christmas past tense, [burp] And I’m to show you your life of decadence.

9. [FX: fade to dream music]

SCENE: THE CAFÉ

[Music: Café theme]

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10. [FX: harp or xylophone glide]

CELESTE: Well boys and girls. My spell is working. We are in a Christmas from long ago... before we knew what lockdown meant.

BOB: Good morning Celeste Gypsy Rose Indigo Heavenly Meadow. That’s a nice outfit.

CELESTE: Thank you it’s made from recycled toilet paper. We’ve already saved a pod of dolphins this season. I’ve sold quite a few to members of my commune, The Fellowship for Universal Conscious Knowledge of Your Own Understanding.

MISTER KICKIE: Oh yes, you mean FUNK YOU....[pause] 11. [FX: tittering]

MISTER KICKIE: [to audience] Good grief you lot! Grow up! [to Celeste] They told me that the single ply paper has really helped them get in touch with their inner self. So, Celeste, you must be quite flush with money at the moment. Get it? Toilet paper . . . flush? I’m wasted here. Not for the first time either. Same thing happened last night down on South Terrace. [sighs]

CELESTE: I’ll have a large, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with organic wombat milk, and a coffee for my dog Gasket.

BOB: Yup. [calls back to Mister Kickie] That’s a large, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with organic wombat milk.

GASKET: [in a dog voice] I’ll have a decaf tumeric latte made with coconut milk. BOB: Sorry no coconut milk today. The delivery hasn’t come in. But I do have a

coconut?

GASKET: [in a dog voice] I don’t want to appear dogmatic, but howl I drink that? 
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CELESTE: [aside] Out of the gutter like you always do?
BOB: Oh kay, nine dollars for that. [calls back to Mister Kickie] Add a decaf tumeric

latte, hold the coconut.

12. [FX: coconuts click and stop suddenly]

MISTER KICKIE: Sorry about that!

13. [FX: clink, tap, milk froth, and pour]

MISTER KICKIE: Coffee up!

TINY TIM: Morning Bob. I’ll have a matcha green tea Frappuccino made with holistic camel’s milk and reflective peppermint. Put it in this keep cup I made from a penguin egg I collected when I spent a year as an aid worker in Antarctica. Ah yes! The mother put up quite a fight, but I got it in the end – not her end, I mean ... she’s fine, honestly...oh dear [long awkward silence] .... It’s a lovely egg.

BOB: Yup. [calls back to Mister Kickie] That’s a matcha green tea Frappuccino made with holistic camel’s milk and reflective peppermint. Woops!

14. [FX: Shell breaking]

BOB: Sorry about that. Paper cup OK?

15. [FX: clink, tap, milk froth, and pour]

MISTER KICKIE: Coffee up!

TINY TIM: No problem, we hipsters can just leave our coffees on the counter and they always become cool.

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16. [FX: boom boom]

MISTER KICKIE: Hey Tiny Tim. TINY TIM: What?
MISTER KICKIE: Knock, Knock. TINY TIM: Who’s there? MISTER KICKIE: Hana.

TINY TIM: Hana who?
MISTER KICKIE: Hana partridge in a pear tree! ALL: [Groan]

BOB: Well boys and girls [...and Mister Kickie?]. This morning we have a special treat for you. Scrooge, the kind person who owns this cafe is going to play her ukulele for us. All for free!

MISTER KICKIE: Yes, we just have to pay her to stop.

BOB: Look here she comes now. Just locking up her bike. Scrooge is such an environmentally responsible person isn’t she boys and girls? She really cares about our community.

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no she doesn’t! BOB: Oh yes she does!
AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no she doesn’t!

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Fourth Wheel Productions: A Corner Pocket Carol Working Draft 13-Nov-20 BOB: Oh yes she does!

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no she doesn’t!

BOB: Oh yes she does!

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no she doesn’t!

BOB: Hmm? I think you’re right. She doesn’t give a green coffee bean about the planet, she’s just too mean to pay for petrol.

MISTER KICKIE: Hey Bob. Why does it take so long for a ukulele player to lock up their bike and order coffee?

BOB: I don’t know Mister Kickie, why does it take so long for a ukulele player to lock up their bike and order coffee?

MISTER KICKIE: They can never find the key and then they don't know when to come in.

ALL: [groan]

17. [Music: Scrooge theme - ominous]

SCROOGE: I heard that! Who said that? What are you supposed to be anyway? Which end is the front? Can you even see inside there?

18. [FX: click coconuts]

MISTER KICKIE: [talking back to his tail] What? No. This is someone else. Stop that, don’t push. What did you say? Yes, she is a bit. [to Scrooge] We are a pantomime donkey!

18. [FX: click coconuts]

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SCROOGE: Donkey my ass! Well you can just pick up your nuts and move over there. I need to set up my sound system.

[Song: “This land is my land.”]

20. [FX: feedback, dischordant notes, then song starts]

SCROOGE: [starts singing] This land is my land....

MISTER KICKIE: Judas!

SCROOGE: [stops singing] You’re a liar. You hear me. You’re a liar! [continues singing] This land is my land, this land’s not your land,
all the way from South Street to the traffic island,
From the petrol station to Dan Mur-urphys,

this land’s entirely owned by me.

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Boo! Boo!

SCROOGE: Stop! Stop it! No more! I’ll teach you to disrespect me! My talent is wasted on you rabble. Bah Humbug!

21. [FX: dream fades]

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Act 3

SCENE: SCROOGE’S BEDROOM

1. [FX: snoring]

NARRATOR: Back in her bed, Scrooge was upset, They’d hated her playing her ukulele set.
As she pondered the fate of the coffee shop,
A strange burbling noise came from her laptop.

[Enter the ghost of Christmas Present in face mask – via Zoom]

2. [FX: Skype noise connecting...]

NARRATOR: The visage was clear but she heard not a sound, No voice or volume (or the other way round).
It seemed to Scrooge he had to be shown,

SCROOGE: You’re on mute, press the red microphone.

3. [FX: Skype noise blimp...]

NARRATOR: The face disappeared, lost in the cloud, When suddenly the message came out, far too loud,

CHRISTMAS PRESENT: [shouts] I’m the ghost of Christmas present now hear my oration,
I’m to show you Christmas in social isolation.

4. [FX: fade to dream... starts but is interrupted]

CHRISTMAS PRESENT: [stuttering] Ooops, [FFFF]got...[B]before [w]we start[ttt]... [squawk] [crackle] disinfecting.

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Fourth Wheel Productions: A Corner Pocket Carol Working Draft 13-Nov-20 I’m breaking up. [crackle] I’ll try re-connecting.

5. [FX: fade to dream... ends]

SCENE: THE CAFÉ

[Music: Café theme]

6. [FX: Café roof drips and People washing hands and humming “happy birthday”.]

BOB: Alright boys and girls, remember social distancing. Only one customer inside at any time. Just queue on the tape marks on the pavement. And use the hand sanitizer before you go in!

GASKET: [dog voice] I’m Gasket the dog. I can’t wash my hands – I haven’t got any. BOB: Go on then, in you go.

GASKET: [dog voice] Hay there Mister Kickie, I’ll have a short black. I’m feeling a bit ruff this morning.

MISTER KICKIE: It’s funny you say that because I’m feeling a little horse myself! ALL: [groan]

GASKET: [dog voice] And give me .... [pause].... a slice of banana.... [long pause]... bread.

MISTER KICKIE: Why the big pause? GASKET: [dog voice] I was born with ‘em.

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7. [FX: boom, boom]

MISTER KICKIE: Hey Gasket what do you call a dog with no legs? GASKET: [dog voice] I don’t know what do you call a dog with no legs? MISTER KICKIE: Doesn’t matter, he won’t come anyway.
ALL: [groan]

8. [FX: clink, tap, milk froth, and pour]

MISTER KICKIE: Coffee up!
BOB: Move along now Gasket, let Scrooge in.
9. [Music: Scrooge theme - ominous]
SCROOGE: I’ll have a cheese and pastrami toasted sandwich. BOB: Sorry we’ve got no cheese. The cheese factory blew up. SCROOGE: Do you expect me to believe that??!
MISTER KICKIE: Yes, day brie was scattered everywhere.

10. [FX: boom, boom]

SCROOGE: Then I’ll just have a toasted pastrami sandwich. BOB: Sorry we’ve got no bread.

SCROOGE: Are you going to tell me the bakery blew up?

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MISTER KICKIE: Yes! Ciabatta believe it. Sorry that was a crumby joke!

ALL: [groan]

SCROOGE: This is like a nightmare that constantly doesn’t end. Just give me some banana bread.

BOB: Sorry we’ve got no banana bread either.

11. [FX: and Flukes start to play “Yes we have no banana {bread}”]

BOB: [to Flukes] Whoa, whoa, there – what’s going on here? NO. You lot again! We talked about this didn’t we. Not in front of the customers OK?

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: [sympathetically] Aaaah! Aaaaw!!

12. [FX: trombone “waw” “waw”]

SCROOGE: So, Cratchit. I suppose now you’re going to tell me the banana bread factory blew up?

BOB: No. [pause] It’s just that Gasket had the last piece.

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13. [FX: mysterious “Da-di-da-da”]

SCROOGE: [angry] Right! That’s it. I’ve had enough of this place. I have just spent twenty minutes trying to land my helicopter in the handicap parking area because someone has put a stupid bike rack on the pavement. And because of that I miss out on my banana bread. I hate this café and all of you in it. You are useless bunch of snowflakes. It’s time you came into the real world instead of mutually admiring your own eco-entitlement. I’ll show you. When all this is over I don’t want anyone within 1.5 metres of me, ever! I don’t need any of you. I’ve been socially isolated for years and it’s done me no harm. I can cope all by myself. Bah Humbug!

[Scrooge storms out]

14. [FX: footsteps stomp, door slams] 15. [FX: Skype noises]

CHRISTMAS PRESENT:
I missed most of that, I must have dropped out. But Scrooge is upset of that I’ve no doubt.

16. [FX: Skype noise hang up...] 17. [FX: Dream fades]

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Fourth Wheel Productions: A Corner Pocket Carol Working Draft 13-Nov-20

Act 4

SCENE: SCROOGE’S BEDROOM

1. [FX: snoring, then wake up suddenly]

NARRATOR: Scrooge woke in dread, the nightmare got worse, Even worse than this terrible doggerel verse.
From out of the east through yellow-ish light,
Came a fat man in a shirt that didn’t fit right.

[Enter ghost of Christmas Yet to Come]

And to add to the worst of all possible outcomes, He boastfully said as he stuck up his thumbs,

CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: You sandgropers may think you can isolate, But that’s not gonna make Australia great.
You silly buggers can all kiss my bum,
‘cos I’m the ghost of Christmas yet to come!

NARRATOR: The ghost then said as he put on his crown,

CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: [sinisterly] Welcome to Christmas in Chinatown!! . . . oops, sorry, close but no cigar .... I mean Palmer-town!

NARRATOR: So saying he crept up from the far right, Hoping to give Scrooge a terrible fright....

[Christmas Yet to Come sneaks up behind Scrooge]

2. [FX: suspense, chase music]

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SCROOGE: Bah Humbug! It’ll take more than some fat election-fiddling, debt-dodging businessman from Queensland to frighten me. Where is he anyway?

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: He’s behind you!
SCROOGE: What? Where?
AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: [louder] Behind you!
[Spins around as does Christmas Yet to Come – so she doesn’t see him] 3. [FX: spinning sound]

SCROOGE: I can’t see anything
AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: [louder] He’s behind you! 4. [FX: spinning sound]
SCROOGE: Where?
AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: [louder] He’s behind you!

SCROOGE: Bah Humbug. What’s happening to me? Oh no, not another prophetic vision...[to audience] No not “pathetic vision”... I said “prophetic”. It means... Bah Humbug, don’t bother.

5. [FX: fade to dream]

SCENE: THE NEW CAFÉ

6. [FX: cars idling, horns honk, people angry shouting, road rage, Pink Floyd’s “Money” in background]

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CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: [talk over sounds] Come on, drive-thru, plenty of room! Welcome to “StarMaccExpress”, the latest discount factory outlet retail experience in South Fremantle. Get your exploitatively-sourced tasteless coffee here too. No need to leave the vehicle unless you want to indulge in buying decadent consumer goods made by children living in third world poverty. Just remember: No children, dogs, bikes, horses or goats or loitering! That’s it. Move along. Put your money down and keep going. Money down. . .

7. [FX: Fade up quick blast of Pink Floyd’s ‘Money’]

SCROOGE: [confused] Where am I? I don’t recognize this place. It could be anywhere.

8. [FX: harp or xylophone glide]

CELESTE: Hello Scrooge. Yes, this is the world you created when you closed down the Fourth Wheel.

SCROOGE: Well, it still provides coffee and .... more...?

CELESTE: Not for me. I am going over to the park, to the Karma Café. Bob and Tiny Tim set it up in a yurt across the road when the Fourth Wheel closed down. You’re welcome to come with me.

SCROOGE: Why is it called the Karma Café?

CELESTE: It’s because you don’t need to order ... you just get what you deserve! Page 29 of 37

Fourth Wheel Productions: A Corner Pocket Carol Working Draft 13-Nov-20

[Both walk over the road]

9. [FX: footsteps on pavement change to footsteps on grass. Car sounds change to bird song, breeze in trees and waves on beach]

GASKET: [dog voice] Hello there Scrooge! Great to see you again. Here, I’ve buttered a piece of banana bread for you.

SCROOGE: Huh, wha???

MISTER KICKIE: Yep. You’d butter believe it!

ALL: [Groan]

BOB: Look everyone it’s Scrooge. Welcome to the Karma Cafe.

MISTER KICKIE: Hey Scrooge!

SCROOGE: [hesitant] Errr?...... What?

MISTER KICKIE: Knock, Knock

Page 30 of 37

Fourth Wheel Productions: A Corner Pocket Carol SCROOGE: Who's there?

MISTER KICKIE: Meretricious.
SCROOGE: Meretricious who?
MISTER KICKIE: Meretricious and a Happy New Year! ALL: [laughter]

BOB: Why don’t you play us a song Scrooge?

Working Draft 13-Nov-20

CELESTE: Yes, we can sing an ergonomic, secular festive song together.

ALL: [Groan]

10. [FX: ukulele and Flukes start to strum randomly – eventually the tune of “Feliz Navidad”]

CELESTE: [sings]

Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero año y felicidad

CELESTE and SCROOGE: [sing]

Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad

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Working Draft 13-Nov-20

Feliz Navidad
Prospero año y Felicidad

SCROOGE: [sings alone]

I wanna wish you a merry Christmas I wanna wish you a merry Christmas I wanna wish you a merry Christmas From the bottom of my heart.

[short silence]

[All sing getting louder]

We wanna wish you a merry Christmas We wanna wish you a merry Christmas We wanna wish you a merry Christmas From the bottom of our heart.

ALL: Cheering

MISTER KICKIE: Do you know what a ukulele and a property dispute have in common?

SCROOGE: I don’t know Mister Kickie. What do a ukulele and a property dispute have in common?

MISTER KICKIE: Everyone is happy when the case is closed! SCROOGE: [pause then nervously laughs] Ha, hahahaha. ALL: [laughter]

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SCROOGE: But I don’t understand. Why is everyone so nice to me when I was so mean to you all?

CELESTE: A wise man once said, “We can’t help everyone, but everyone can help someone.” My magic spell has shown you the consequences of your actions. Think on this and decide what you want the rest of your life to be.

11. [FX: harp or xylophone glide]

12. [FX: shuffling and mumbling in the background]

CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: [mumbling] What do you mean by quarantining me! I’ll sue.

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no you won’t.

CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: Oh yes I will!

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh no you won’t.

CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: Oh yes I will!

AUDIENCE [led by NARRATOR]: Oh yes you will.

Page 33 of 37

Fourth Wheel Productions: A Corner Pocket Carol Working Draft 13-Nov-20 CHRISTMAS YET TO COME: Oh no I wont!... What?... Oh bugger.

13. [FX: Dream fades]

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Working Draft 13-Nov-20

Act 5

1. [FX: Snoring]

NARRATOR: Scrooge fell fast asleep and began to snore, Her past ways she wanted to account for,
She pondered the words of the wise fairy,
A lonely life really was quite unnecessary.

All that greed and accumulation of wealth,
Was harmful to her mental health.
Her dreams had shown her the opportunity,
To become a part of a local community
When she woke the next day it was sunny and bright, So she went to the Fourth Wheel to put all to right.

2. [FX: Snoring and wake up]

SCENE: THE CAFÉ

[Music: Café theme]

3. [FX: Scrooge theme – break up]

BOB: Hello Scrooge. Sorry we haven’t cleared everything out yet.

SCROOGE: Don’t worry Bob. Leave it all here. I plan to keep the café as it is. I am even going to fix the roof. And I have spoken with Bridie Petite and the council have agreed to make South Terrace a car-free zone. A park full of trees and dogs and children and horses and baby goats and of course... magic!

ALL: [Cheer!! Hurray!]

NARRATOR: Mister Kickie gave a little rub on his nozzle And poured the milk with a gentle jostle,

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Tiny Tim exclaimed, as he sipped with delight: [Good grief who wrote this shite...]

TINY TIM: Have a merry non-denominational, festive season and to all A GOOD- NIGHT!

ALL: [cheer]

[Flukes: pick slowly “Feliz Navidad...”]

SCROOGE: [starts to put words onto song] Those visions have given me an opportunity... Before today I was isolated...
Now I see I was just separated...

From my community.

[Flukes: “Feliz Navidad...”]

ALL: Feliz Navidad Feliz Navidad

Feliz Navidad
Prospero año y felicidad Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero año y Felicidad

[Flukes: strum “Feliz Navidad...”]

NARRATOR: [talk over the top of the strum]
So Boys and Girls you know what to do
Be kind to each other and your environment too. And next time you feel like life is an ordeal Remember there’s coffee at the Fourth Wheel.

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Working Draft 13-Nov-20

[Flukes: “Feliz Navidad...”]
ALL: I wanna wish you a merry Christmas I wanna wish you a merry Christmas
I wanna wish you a merry Christmas
From the bottom of my heart
We wanna wish you a merry Christmas We wanna wish you a merry Christmas We wanna wish you a merry Christmas From the bottom of our heart
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Feliz Navidad
Prospero año y Felicidad

end